Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Eat your Wheaties and other tidbits of supposed wisdom...

I'm starting off behind the "eight ball" today. My allergies are killing me, and the sleep aid I took last night have kicked my butt, to the point of me waking up at 6 am not even knowing I where I was for a few moments...nice the things a person must go through to combat insomnia...

I was at the gym doing intense cardio for over an hour yesterday, and through my sweaty haze, I had a dull feeling of dread I was trying to outrun, something vague growing like a seed in the core of my being...I was trying to figure out what it might be, and I guess this morning it dawned on me.

Today would've been my 20th wedding anniversary.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm certainly not pining over the waste of life that is my ex, but I'm pining over the loss of what I had dreamed of 20 years ago. I wanted someone to love forever, a best friend to trust and raise a family with, and now, that the kids are all almost grown, someone to have lived through that wonderful experience with me, and to move onto to happy and freewheeling times as "empty nesters;" in short, I wanted a lifelong mate, and I got cheated.

I raised my children alone with absolutely no help (not even child support) of any kind, including relatives, and suffered through many, many trials to handle by myself. I cried many tears of pain and anger for my kids, and for myself at being cheated of their rights to a father that cared about their well being, or even if they were alive or dead!

I never wanted to have to be single again, and try to find a "needle in a haystack," which was a man that would truly care for my kids, and also actually be someone who I may have a remote interest in...so many things, so much pain.

For a long time, I lost my faith in all things good, including God. Oh, I would mouth the words and hollowly cant a faith, but it was just empty air, and I was as empty as a person could get.

I have recently decided this isn't acceptable, and after my long struggle, I want to "go home." No, not to die, but to live. I want to go home to God, who loved me as a child, and loved me as an adult, I just didn't see it because I was blinded by my pain and struggles. I want my best friend back--and it was God all along, never a human being.

So, I try again, and today is the anniversary of the prodigal's return.

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