Saturday, May 30, 2009

Sick and Subdued

I've got a whopper of a cold coming on, I can feel it. Who gets sick in the Spring? Too strange.

I went to the shore the other day, and of course, it rained the entire time. That's ok, cuz I just put on my rain slicker and windbreaker, and went down to the beach anyway...rain wasn't going to stop me.

The wind had whipped the ocean into a frenzy, the rain was steady against my face, and I felt a call in my soul to get to the water's edge, to where the huge breakers were crashing against the rocks. I walked gingerly out onto the jetty, as far as I could go without getting swept away...M was there too, looking a bit fearful and hesitant, but I told him to stop being so cautious--it was ok. (famous last words :-D )

The ocean was so majestic, the waves in a perfect and somewhat threatening rhythm...I was awed by their power. I had to resist the urge to fling myself into the maelstrom...I envisioned what it would be like to be plunged into the valley of the mountains of water...the cold green world, the thousands of pounds of crushing water battering you, until you were finally dashed again and again against the barnacle covered, unyielding rocks. Pretty intense.

The next morning, I was determined to get to the beach again, and actually do what I set out to do, which was to commune with my "Mother." The day was misty and foggy, but the surf was calm.

We walked down onto the nearly empty beach, which was peacefully shrouded in fog, and set up our chairs...I watched two lone surfers appear out of the mist--mere shadows against the veil of white...in their wetsuits, they appeared like stick figures against the dreamlike, billowing backdrop and the soft grey pulse of the surf.

In the distance, a lone fisherman worked on the jetty--standing stock still for so long, I wondered if he was real. A single man appeared suddenly from the greyness, and ran quietly into the surf; I watched him jump in, jump out, and shake himself off. He donned a strange little terrycloth outfit, and then went through his yoga poses. He left as quietly as he came...

Along the beach, about 100 yards away, I noticed a man scattering the remains of native roses into the surf...I tried not to look at his pain directly. It was a private moment for him, and I felt I shouldn't intrude on him with my stares as he honored his lost beloved.

The different sea birds went about their business as I sat. I watched pleasant little sandpipers running to and fro, while larger gulls hovered and landed softly, their intentions known only to themselves.

M went for a long walk, and I was able to quietly reflect and communicate with the sea. I told it all of my hurt and sorrow, and it quietly acknowledged me...I know that God is in the ocean--and could feel His presence sitting with me, his arm around my shoulder.

The day was wonderfully peaceful, and I felt very refreshed. I allowed myself to think of nothing but the sea, and the moments I spent with it. I got some beautiful references for a series of paintings I've already begun, and I'm entranced with them...

After we left, I found myself sporting a pretty good burn on my face. Hat, blankets and all, my freaky mixed blood doesn't like the sun, and it always finds a way to get that burn in...

I came home to find how happy I was to see everyone--Anthony was quiet in his room, Noelle was playing outside, Gab and Iz were gone though, taking both babies with them...only the remnants of Miss Maddies's great flour disaster remained behind, lol. But, that's another story!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Beyond Hope

Can I be hoped? helped? In that order...I'm alone, 3 am, I entertained and loved, ready to rip off my own skin...

I don't say I hated entertaining, or the people I did...I hated not being good enough...I hated the fact that I'm fucked up...I looked into their eyes, knowing I was lost--because I am...in this world. They were better than me, and I struggled to stay alive...my work, my paintings...that makes me "whatever." Shit. Puke. Everything awful and dead.

My paintings...most of the time, I look at them and want to kick them in, burn them, trounce them...same as that goes on in my mind. They are trash in my mind--no one that amounts to anything thinks about them. Especially family.

Oh, by the way...to show I'm completely worthless...Nicole got a clean MRI today...her brain cancer is in remission. I'm happy and numb... numb because I'm still to blame over not "reacting" the right way. I'm a freak...I love her, but I'm just sick. I've never ever done the right thing, and now, they have the excuses to fly against me as to why I'm this way.  It's what it is...blown up...destroyed...sunken like a destroyer.

I realize NO ONE has loved me...they may have reached out a hand it transition, but looking at my group of FB friends, I realize I wasn't loved. Not important. Not in the right way. I was hot and distant. I hated myself, and apparently, they all hated me to. What a fucking horrible realization, a slap.

You never knew a piss-0ff like what i feel...fuck it. I know who's worth their fucking metro card.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

What's the difficulty?

I aim this at me. I am dragging ass today...and just feel generally depressed. It was an effort to even move out of bed...and the sun is bright and beautiful, and I am hiding inside like a ghost, trapped behind the doors, unable to move into the outside, as if I were going into another dimension...

I need to force myself out--get to the gym, get motivated. I am so F*$cking sick of feeling like this...a few good days, then down in the dumps...

I once read a quote, "A professional produces even on a bad day" so this makes me feel ashamed to boot.

Sitting here agitated and down at the same time...

Saturday, May 16, 2009

BORED on Friday night.

I don't know what's with me. I am so damned fidgety tonight. Nothing is seeming to calm me down. I can't pick up a brush, and I can't sit still, and I can't find peace or contentment, it's like I'm completely hyperactive.

I went to the gym, paced in my studio, doing everything but what I should've been doing, hung some photos, did alot of nothing, and am sitting here now at 12:30 am, with a glass of merlot, and just brooding.

I have alot to do tomorrow, so I have to get a grip here...same old same old....

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Drip Drip Drip--and the approach of Mother's Day

I can hear the faint patter of the rain outside...it's been raining for days, but since I love the rain, this doesn't bother me.

It has made a slight inconvenience in that I want the cloud cover, but I need some dry time so I can photo my paintings outdoors. Natural light is ideal, but high sun causes reflections on the surface of the canvas, so overcast is best. Hopefully, I'll get that a bit today.

Still itching with allergies, and my Dad is making some improvement in his illness--we know it's not pneumonia, Thank God.

Mother's Day is this weekend, and for some reason, this is a holiday that has never "registered" with me, and for being a Mom for almost 20 years, this is odd I suppose.

I have loved being a Mom, but I always demurred getting some kind of "recognition" for it--God gave them to me, and I love them and do the best I can do...I guess a simple hug and a fresh picked flower (like when they were little) was the best gift of all...and now it's mushroomed into some elaborate commercial affair like all holidays have been distorted, and for me, it's just more pressure and expectations. What will we do for dinner? Will the family be coming? How many? What to get all of the Moms? We don't want to offend anyone or slight anyone, etc.

Sheesh! I won't bow to this! I have taken a stand--I will enjoy a lovely Sunday, without the stress. I will buy a card and a flower for my Mom and my daughter, and send a card for my sister-in-law who lives out of state. I'll have the kids call any other relatives that need to be wished well, and our meal will be a Sunday meal as usual. Anyone who wants to stop by is welcome, but it's no formal affair. That's how I'm going to enjoy Mother's Day.

Speaking of mother's, I walked out into the drive to get something from the trunk of my car, and as I glanced downward, a perfect blue miniature egg lay nestled right by my foot in the grass. Curious, I picked it up and examined it--was it really a robin's egg or a child's toy? It was without blemish save a little impact scratch and it was a pretty cobalt blue, and if it was a real egg, why was it here? There were no trees in sight, maybe the gutters of the garage? Had it fallen? I gave it a tap with my fingernail, and to my horror, my nail penetrated the shell, leaving a crescent shaped hole in the side of it. I saw the gelatinous interior, and felt instantly sorry--had I killed it? I didn't realize how very soft the shell would be.

I immediately got the wildlife "Consultant" on the phone--a.k.a. Dad. He assured me it would never have hatched, it was either abandoned or the nest was plundered and it got tossed out in the melee. I thanked him, and when we hung up, I became more curious as to the actual location of the nest...after a series of clues, including, upon close inspection, a hatched egg shell, I traced the nest to the shrubs several yards away. Upon carefully pulling them apart, I found a beautiful, well-formed nest, with one blue egg in it. Not wanting to disturb it or cause the nest to be abandoned if it wasn't already, I left it be...

So, even in the kingdom of birds, there is love, tragedy, the will to overcome, and Motherhood.

What an interesting and lovely thought...

Monday, May 4, 2009

Vampires in my coffee

Last night was a strange one...I fell asleep reading the letters of Vincent and Theo, probably around 2 a.m.ish, and had a series of incredibly vivid dreams.

I dreamt there was a party going on in a home, I'm supposing the home was mine, but it was huge, rambling, like a maze, and broken down, like a fraternity house or something. The corridors were lined with nameless, faceless revelers. I was agitated about this, since it was my doing, and the kids were in the house, lost among the "guests."

All of a sudden, the Police showed up, and everyone began to scramble. I was more frantic now, but a woman, I'll call her the "Girl" came up to me, very stylish, young and chic, and patted me on the shoulder sympathetically, and told me not to worry, everything would be just fine. She was part of a small group of odd, yet handsome people, who seemed unruffled by all of the chaos. She moved aside, and sitting on a couch between a young, Goth looking man and woman was Noelle. Anthony moved from out of the shadows and stood by me looking anxious.

I felt immediate relief but then consternation...what now? The police were rounding everyone up, including some of the small group I mentioned. They took two biker looking men from the group, who didn't resist their arrest. The one man smiled at us and winked. The "Girl" turned to me with a sly smile I didn't understand, and whispered, "He's two hundred years old, and being arrested doesn't bother him. He'll slip away without a fuss." I was confused now, and asked her how is this possible? She smiled and showed pointy, glistening teeth. She said, "We're vampires."

I should have been horrified but I was numb. I looked at my daughter sitting between the two creatures and gave a start, but the "Girl" said, "Don't worry, we want to help you. You must come with us." I began to follow, as the whole group got up and began to move rapidly through the maze of corridors. Anthony whispered a warning, but I dismissed it as childish. We opened one door, and my brother was sitting in a broken down room, on a ragged bean bag looking chair, watching an ancient TV on a milk crate. He didn't look up from his stupor, and just waved us away. I was alarmed, but the "Girl" grasped my arm and said, "We'll come back for him later. There's no time now." I protested, saying, "What if he's gone?" She assured me it would be alright, and we began to run now.

We burst through a beat up, industrial metal door, into the dim evening light. Everyone dispersed, and Anthony and Noelle disappeared as quick as lightening with the group. I immediately panicked and protested, but the "Girl" pointed to a motorcycle and said urgently, "Get on, we've got to go. We're meeting up with the others." We both got on, her on the front, me on the back. I tried to fumbling strap on a helmet, as she did hers smoothly, and the motorcycle reared into a wheely of sorts, nearly knocking me off the back. I thought, "I must stay on, or I'll never see my kids again!" So, I grabbed her in a bear hug around the waist, and just clung on with my eyes tightly shut.

We road what seemed a short distance to a huge, decaying, abandoned warehouse. As we approached, the "Girl" seemed to lose her energy, and became somewhat lethargic. The bike meandered to a slow crawl, and then it lurched, and went down. I was able to jump off, but she fell beneath the weight of it. I went to help her up and she recoiled. "Don't touch me!" she hissed.

Something about her demeanor had completely changed. She seemed irritable, distant, menacing. I tried to swallow my fear, and walk with her, just so I could get to my children. We walked quickly to what looked like an old cafeteria, but a small one. There were beat up couches, and a TV playing, snowy and monotone. The rest of the group was there, and didn't even look up as we walked in. Again, Noelle was tight between them, and Anthony was on the fringe of the group, looking anxious. I saw the relief wash across his face when he saw me, and he walked quickly to my side and whispered, "We've got to get out of here." I nodded in agreement. I realized in my quest to get us out of the jam I had put us in at the "house," I made a grievous error, and had compounded the situation to a dangerous level by being here...and we might not make it out alive. I felt my heart pounding in my chest as I tried to figure out what to do.

In the meantime, a few vampires trickled out of a back corridor, and stealthily entered the area we were in. There seemed to be something down the corridor, but I couldn't see anything.

The "Girl" looked positively sick now. She yelled at one of the other vampires to let her into the "room." I don't know what was in there, but she became very agitated when a male vampire by the corridor stated she would have to wait her turn. I reminded me of having to wait for a restroom when you have to go to the bathroom really bad, and she paced and shifted looking miserable, but not even looking in our direction. None of them did. Anthony asked a question, something inane, like for a drink of water, and they looked at us with disgust, and said something rude like, "Why are you bothering us?"

I saw this as an opportunity, and said, "Apparently, this is a bad time for you--so we'll be on our way!" and quickly grabbed both kids' arms and headed for the door. Noelle was reluctant because she didn't understand the situation, but she moved nonetheless.

As we left, I became angry--angry at myself for trusting them, and angry at them for deceiving me. They brought us to this dangerous place on the pretense that they cared, and were our friends, and they really didn't. For some reason, it hurt me, even though I should've known they were evil creatures. Somehow, I felt they should've cared, even though they didn't have the capacity to.

As we crossed through a large, dark, cavernous expanse right before the exit out, all of a sudden, a low, childish voice called out to us, and in the weak light of the exit, children began running out at us. One young teen after another ran out as quick as lightening, their evil eyes flashing in the darkness--they were vampires also, but these made no pretense of friendship. Terror welled up as they surrounded us, and the burning fear and desperation made me tight as spring--we were just feet from the exit. They circled and taunted us, and then attacked us.

It felt like hands ripping us apart, not our flesh, just separating our grip on one another--in the darkness I lost sight of both Anthony and Noelle. A horrifying looking heavy set girl in a clown outfit, with white-blue eyes and slavering teeth, held me down--saying all kinds of horrible things to me. I pleaded with her to let us go, have mercy, just let us leave, but she laughed at me and said, "No, you will suffer." She suddenly let me go, and I was alone in the dark.

As I stumbled about, I heard yells and screams and cries and evil laughter in the dark, as if they were playing some monstrous game of tag in the blackness. All of a sudden, I felt someone firmly grab my arm--it startled me and I screamed and struggled--but I heard a voice--"Mom, it's Anthony!" I looked at him in the weak light, and he looked sad and scared. "Where's Noelle?" I screamed--he looked at me in horror and just shook his head.

We began running around the darkness, screaming her name. After what seemed an eternity, I saw a young figure stumbling in the darkness, feeling along the walls with her hands. It was Noelle! I ran up and grabbed her, so happy she was safe. I kissed her and hugged her and cried tears of happiness, as we ran for the door. Just as I got my hand on the door and began to pull it open, she wrenched herself from my grip, as if she was scared to go outside. I looked at her inquiringly, and she held up her hand. On it, smeared in blood, was a strange symbol.

"What does that mean?" I begged...and she said to me, "I got bitten by one of them--I can't leave with you." My heart raged and broke, and I screamed into the darkness--"I won't leave her here! You can't have her!" Anthony and I cried, and swore we wouldn't leave without her, we would find a way to save her, and we would be turned also rather than leave her...and we began back into the darkness to find the monsters and demand an answer...

And then I woke up.

And it's left me in a sad and depressed mood...so here I am.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Revelation and a rash!

I woke up extremely itchy today. This irritating rash of sorts that started on my arms has crept upward towards my neck, making me scratch like have fleas! It could be my allergies, as this happens sometimes in the Spring, or it could be the St. John's Wort...either way, it's annoying.

Along with being itched awake, I had a revelation of sorts. I realized I didn't KNOW HOW to trust. How strange! It was a concept as far removed as knowing trigonometry...which, I never even took in school. I have been doing so much reading, on how to move forward, but the common thread through it all was you must trust God, and I discovered upon self reflection, that I had a hard time even registering that word...

In my life, I've always relied on me--if you wanted to get the job done right (at least most of the time), or get the maximum effort (also, at least most of the time), you did it yourself. My experiences had been with selfish, lazy, deceitful people, with a sprinkling of honest ones, so as time went by, I just catagorized EVERYONE as the latter, whether they deserved it or not...I was tired of trying to discern who was who, so in my mind when it came to telling who was who I did the old Marine war-motto: Kill them all and let God sort 'em out.

What I didn't realize was I was also "killing" myself in the process. My heart just grew harder and harder, and I wanted less and less to do with anyone, because the idea of humanity and people just became overwhelming, horrifying, sad and threatening in every respect. I also began to view God with this paranoid thinking. Where was He? Why was he so silent? Did He exist--and yet I knew He did, but I spurned him. Good, I thought, if you don't want to talk to me, I don't want to talk to you. It all went South--and it wasn't fast...it was like the Bataan Death March. Long, terrifying, grueling, painful. Lonely.

Then today, a little lightbulb went off inside my head while I was doing the dishes, something completely mindless and innocuous. To trust, you simply just have to BELIEVE. Believe that God is honest. Believe that God loves you. Believe that He will allow good things to happen in your life. Believe He will walk with you and never leave you. Believe. And I did...and it was like for a moment, a ray of bright sunshine peered through the clouds in my mind.

Of course, like all weather systems, the clouds moved back in, and my mind frantically searched for the ray again...but, I was not without hope. If is showed up once, if I believe, it will show up again, and again, getting stronger with each appearance, until one day I won't have to try so hard, hope and belief will have become a welcome friend.

Healing Hearts Portrait

"Aaron R." By Hilary J. England, oil on canvas, 12" x 16" 2017 Here is another portrait I just finished for Healing Hear...