Sunday, January 3, 2010

Feeling restless

I suppose it's just way too early to have cabin fever--holidays literally just ended, and kids are going back to school tomorrow--hooray!  I almost finished taking the tree and all the other Christmas decorations down--my tree is so petrified, almost all of the needles have fallen off...lucky thing the holidays are over!!

I know this is the time of year you're supposed to get all charged up and crazy over making New Year's resolutions, which last about three weeks (and that was in my prime, when I actually had some self discipline and willpower!!), but I can't rehash another old resolution...it's like taking out a leisure suit from the 70s...makes you want to shudder.  No, no more resolutions for me...at least not hard and fast ones...more like "guidelines" for the new decade...and here are a few:

First, I'm going to start thinking about me a little bit more.  I know you all might think that sounds selfish, but it's not...it's actually good for everyone in my life, and of course, for me also.  I was so concerned about meeting everyone else's needs, I was frustrated and worn out at not being able to meet my own...which leads to a bad state of mind, and other miseries...no.  It's going to be about structuring things and ordering things for myself, be it time, delegating jobs, staying away from anyone negative no matter what the relation or obligation...finding time to center myself with God...things a person does to have peace and harmony in life.  I know life can't be perfect, and sometimes crazy, sad and out of control things are thrust upon us, but you can still strive to take care of yourself, and find a little cave of solace in a blizzard of bullshit.

Second, I'm going to make time to visit the people who are most important to me, and are not able to visit me.  Once time takes them away, you can't get back those lost moments.  Ever.  I want no regrets, which leads me to third and finally,

I'm going to stop beating myself up over past failures, real or supposed.  I'm a perfectionist by nature, and my own mind is my own worst critic.  I'm going to stop being so hard on myself, and just say, F*ck it.  We are all only human, we all make mistakes, all of us make small, medium and large mistakes, and that's just the way the living experience goes.  I'll try to correct any actions on my part that were hurtful to other people, but I refuse to stay in that "moment."  I won't fall into the trap of living inside other people's ill will, and allowing them to manipulate me through guilt.  Finito!

So, aside from the major changes of the previous decade, such as turning 40, getting married, etc....here are a few other things I'd like to be able to get accomplished...a work in progress...

Oh, and of course, paint a few more masterpieces!

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