Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Crunch...crunch...it's just a sound in my head!

"Emmie's Yard" by Hilary J. England


My mind is all over the map these last few days...I've been writing alot, but too much of it's way too private, sorry.  I find it difficult to walk the line of what to reveal and what not to, as we all wear our private and public masks, and I'm no different.  I wish I could be 100% authentic in putting it all out there, but there is some good to leaving a bit of mystery, and also insures you won't be locked away permanently ;-)   I find people who put it all out there don't come off as authentic, just as tiresome and needy, so enough said about that!

I went down to Jordan creek and had my lunch, alone, and thought wistfully back to when G was a baby, no older than Maddy is now, and how I would take her down to this creek to feed the ducks...where had time gone, and was I any better for it...the thoughts have been haunting me.

I had been awakened early this morning by the clamorous sound of a passing dump truck, and with my window slightly open, it startled me.   Also, the temperature had changed so radically, it went from icy last night to balmy this morning, and I was suffocating under my comforter.  I couldn't fall back asleep, so I began mulling many things in the twilight, so much my head began to hurt from thinking...that awful "why won't this maelstrom stop!!" feeling, so, I began to meditate, and that began to weed the lunatic from the lucid thoughts.  One thought I have been pondering is the difference between men and women, in terms of relationships and their expectations, and I've boiled it down to one essence,  that seems to be unconsciously true for me--women are looking for God in a man, and men are looking for Mother (yes, the old "Madonna/whore" syndrome), and ne'er shall the two find completion.  I've realized that God is God, Man is Man, and no man will ever approach God-like wisdom, stature, or character...so forget that.

So, where to go from here?  Just forget about intimacy with another human altogether?  Just forego the pain and BS and seek to perfect your mind and spirtual walk on this earth, until your journey is over?  I have found precious few people who are truly content, and in truth, I've never met them---I've heard them on the radio, doling out advice to the rest of us miserable, woefully misguided mass of humanity, or seen them grinning sparkly, scary white smiles from television pulpits, but in my private life, I've never met a truly contented, balanced human.  Sad.  This leaves me vulnerable, and confused.  Two words I despise.

So, I try to run from it, but I can't.  I can hop that plane to Los Angeles, or to London, or to the Equator, or South Pole, but when I step off, these dark thoughts are with me, in my lap, in my purse, in my mind, on my phone...I probably think too much, but I am who I am, so I'm stuck with that (and NO--I won't take some damn medicine to flat line my brain!!).

So, those are the issues of today, this day, the most important day, since in all actuality, today is all any of us really have--corny as that sounds, it's the biggest of Truth, so, I have to make it count...throw myself into my painting, and just forget about the rest....

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