Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Out of synch


"Raven in a thicket" by Hilary J. England, 11" x 14" oil on canvas

I'm feeling a bit blue today.  I don't know why, but I slept a long time and even after showering, didn't seem very motivated...I got everything done I intended to, but I had this nagging fatalist feeling in the back of my mind...the old, "what is all of this for" hopelessness that sometimes rears it's head on me.  I try to not think about it and just push myself to complete what needs to get done.

Problem is, this feeling usually runs parallel to a general irritability which makes me want to withdraw from everyone, and just be left alone, and it's no one's fault, just my own freakiness working it's attitude.  I try not to let it show, but it's a transparent thing, so best thing is just to retreat alone into my studio and let it work itself out without involving anyone else in it....

I'm pissed about a few things, and it's the usual menu of bullcr$p.  I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel sometimes, with the same stupidity cropping up over and over, and this makes me depressed and angry.  So, I'm trying to enjoy a cup of coffee, make some dinner even though I feel wretched, and force myself out of the funk by not indulging the dark thoughts. 

I've done a series of studies that I didn't post before, but they definitely reflect some of the angst and loneliness I feel from time to time.  The first, which is above, is part of series of 4 I was looking to make into large works, but up to this point I have not done that....I may still, but I don't know if I really want to stay in the frame of mind to do these darker paintings, without making myself totally insane.  So, for now, they remain studies...

Now, out to the studio for some more alone time.

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