Sunday, May 3, 2009

Revelation and a rash!

I woke up extremely itchy today. This irritating rash of sorts that started on my arms has crept upward towards my neck, making me scratch like have fleas! It could be my allergies, as this happens sometimes in the Spring, or it could be the St. John's Wort...either way, it's annoying.

Along with being itched awake, I had a revelation of sorts. I realized I didn't KNOW HOW to trust. How strange! It was a concept as far removed as knowing trigonometry...which, I never even took in school. I have been doing so much reading, on how to move forward, but the common thread through it all was you must trust God, and I discovered upon self reflection, that I had a hard time even registering that word...

In my life, I've always relied on me--if you wanted to get the job done right (at least most of the time), or get the maximum effort (also, at least most of the time), you did it yourself. My experiences had been with selfish, lazy, deceitful people, with a sprinkling of honest ones, so as time went by, I just catagorized EVERYONE as the latter, whether they deserved it or not...I was tired of trying to discern who was who, so in my mind when it came to telling who was who I did the old Marine war-motto: Kill them all and let God sort 'em out.

What I didn't realize was I was also "killing" myself in the process. My heart just grew harder and harder, and I wanted less and less to do with anyone, because the idea of humanity and people just became overwhelming, horrifying, sad and threatening in every respect. I also began to view God with this paranoid thinking. Where was He? Why was he so silent? Did He exist--and yet I knew He did, but I spurned him. Good, I thought, if you don't want to talk to me, I don't want to talk to you. It all went South--and it wasn't fast...it was like the Bataan Death March. Long, terrifying, grueling, painful. Lonely.

Then today, a little lightbulb went off inside my head while I was doing the dishes, something completely mindless and innocuous. To trust, you simply just have to BELIEVE. Believe that God is honest. Believe that God loves you. Believe that He will allow good things to happen in your life. Believe He will walk with you and never leave you. Believe. And I did...and it was like for a moment, a ray of bright sunshine peered through the clouds in my mind.

Of course, like all weather systems, the clouds moved back in, and my mind frantically searched for the ray again...but, I was not without hope. If is showed up once, if I believe, it will show up again, and again, getting stronger with each appearance, until one day I won't have to try so hard, hope and belief will have become a welcome friend.

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