New Painting, same roadblocks!

Hi all...well, I finished my new painting, and the photography of it is giving me fits. I bought a book, etc. But, still no improvement. So, now it's time to call in the pros--I'm going to have a professional start shooting the photos--it's well worth the investment, both in terms of posterity, and frustration!

In the meantime, you can look at the painting with my bad photography, lol. The photograph is a bit washed out (the colors), and it will be interesting to post the professional picture versus my amateurish attempts.

So, here it is:

"Summer friends" Oil on Canvas 18" by 24"

Here is the creative idea behind it...since we are coming into the end of summer, I was intrigued by the colors and senses that summer brings, and how it passes away pleasantly yet somewhat bittersweetly into autumn. There is usually a surge of excitement, almost a relief, that follows the random cool breezes that begin to blow through the end of August and early September, signalling the change about to take place. Your senses all seem to sharpen, the air becomes clean and fragrant with a definite crispness...The oppressive heat of the summer begins to fall away...and although it WAS oppressive, there is still a small place inside of you that will miss that heat and the stifling warmth...because although it could be uncomfortable or inconvenient, it still had its moments of pleasing sensation and accompanying connections.
Most of the time, my world manifests itself in a sort of hyperrealism...the colors are magnified, the sounds and sensations are larger than real. The smell of a freshly split watermelon...the burn of a red hot aji pepper that can literally last for days...the fleeting delicacy of luscious, fullbodied summer rose with it's untaintedly sweet perfume...they all represented different faces of summer. So, I moved to capture them before I got caught up in the excitement of the new sensory experiences the fall will bring, and I forget what intrigue the summer had shown....

Mixer tomorrow

Tomorrow evening is our networking mixer...we will be doing a business get-together from 4 to 7 pm. We are serving wine, h'ordeurvres, coffee, tea and dessert, and are expecting about 40 people...I am pretty tired tonight, but that didn't stop me from plotting my next still life, execution will begin on Thursday morning--with a CLEAR head!

Getting our wedding plans in order also...I guess that's about it for tonight, except I've also decided to begin work on my memoir...throw another log into the fire ;-)

Goodnight all--see you in the funny papers!

Tornado Time

We have a tornado alert in effect for the next hour...it's kind of laughable, since we live in Schulykill, PA.

Aside from having my power knocked out several times today, still no sight of it! Anyhoo...above is my latest painting--it's called "The Secret" and here's the tidbit behind it: I was doing yardwork and I started to get divebombed by a crazy robin, and I know birds don't generally carry rabies ;-) so I figured I'd find out what I did to irritate it so badly...upon some perfunctory inspection of the area gutters, and a large hedge, I found the "secret." Her nest--she was defending her nursery! It was better than an Easter egg hunt! I quickly left the area so she could go back to attending her nest and not abandon them altogether...

I've had a dickens of a time photographing this last painting, maybe since it's a high contrast painting...the darks and lights don't come through balanced like they do in the actually painting...it's a reflection issue, even though I'm not using flash.

Anyway--I've done the best I can in terms of photographing it, so now it's time to post it to eBay, Etsy, and all the other sites---going up very low, with no reserve price, so now's the time to go bid!

Take care and ttfn!

Where does time go?

This summer has flown by...I will be picking Cannoli up from girl's camp the day after tomorrow, and it seems I just dropped her off! Not that I mind, since I miss her keenly...

My trip to Maine was short, and thankfully so. Maine was beautiful, it's just that I was not in the "mindset" to keep the company I did. I was extremely grateful to get home and sleep in my own bed...

But, from the brief stay I did have, I have a few new paintings for a "mini" series...I will begin to post them in the next day or so.

Untitled

I've had a lingering sickness for the last two weeks...it's in my throat now, but I hope it's on it's way out...

I've also had a lingering sickness in my mind...I feel all out of sorts...anxious, a bit depressed, as if something is waiting to happen...I can't pinpoint it, and I hate being distressed over something vague.

I guess I'll just out to my studio and start another piece...It's cool and clammy out, and I kind of like that...matches my mood.

My Dad came for a visit yesterday with Dale and Tom in tow...it was good to see him out and about, be he looked old and frail, and I was afraid to hug him and get him sick all over again. We all had a nice chat...discussing art, Silver Screen Hollywood, of course, Clint and his movies, Gran Torino, we went on to discourse about Henry Miller, reading some passages from "Black Spring" and as usual the state of the economy and political turmoil...drank some herbal tea...which was good because my nerves were fried with an ocular migraine triggered by an overdose of Chambourcin the night before...I gotta cut out the BS...that shit is going to be the end of me if I don't watch it.

Well, another cup of coffee, and I should be ready to head outside...

Beyond Hope

Can I be hoped? helped? In that order...I'm alone, 3 am, I entertained and loved, ready to rip off my own skin...

I don't say I hated entertaining, or the people I did...I hated not being good enough...I hated the fact that I'm fucked up...I looked into their eyes, knowing I was lost--because I am...in this world. They were better than me, and I struggled to stay alive...my work, my paintings...that makes me "whatever." Shit. Puke. Everything awful and dead.

My paintings...most of the time, I look at them and want to kick them in, burn them, trounce them...same as that goes on in my mind. They are trash in my mind--no one that amounts to anything thinks about them. Especially family.

Oh, by the way...to show I'm completely worthless...Nicole got a clean MRI today...her brain cancer is in remission. I'm happy and numb... numb because I'm still to blame over not "reacting" the right way. I'm a freak...I love her, but I'm just sick. I've never ever done the right thing, and now, they have the excuses to fly against me as to why I'm this way.  It's what it is...blown up...destroyed...sunken like a destroyer.

I realize NO ONE has loved me...they may have reached out a hand it transition, but looking at my group of FB friends, I realize I wasn't loved. Not important. Not in the right way. I was hot and distant. I hated myself, and apparently, they all hated me to. What a fucking horrible realization, a slap.

You never knew a piss-0ff like what i feel...fuck it. I know who's worth their fucking metro card.

Revelation and a rash!

I woke up extremely itchy today. This irritating rash of sorts that started on my arms has crept upward towards my neck, making me scratch like have fleas! It could be my allergies, as this happens sometimes in the Spring, or it could be the St. John's Wort...either way, it's annoying.

Along with being itched awake, I had a revelation of sorts. I realized I didn't KNOW HOW to trust. How strange! It was a concept as far removed as knowing trigonometry...which, I never even took in school. I have been doing so much reading, on how to move forward, but the common thread through it all was you must trust God, and I discovered upon self reflection, that I had a hard time even registering that word...

In my life, I've always relied on me--if you wanted to get the job done right (at least most of the time), or get the maximum effort (also, at least most of the time), you did it yourself. My experiences had been with selfish, lazy, deceitful people, with a sprinkling of honest ones, so as time went by, I just catagorized EVERYONE as the latter, whether they deserved it or not...I was tired of trying to discern who was who, so in my mind when it came to telling who was who I did the old Marine war-motto: Kill them all and let God sort 'em out.

What I didn't realize was I was also "killing" myself in the process. My heart just grew harder and harder, and I wanted less and less to do with anyone, because the idea of humanity and people just became overwhelming, horrifying, sad and threatening in every respect. I also began to view God with this paranoid thinking. Where was He? Why was he so silent? Did He exist--and yet I knew He did, but I spurned him. Good, I thought, if you don't want to talk to me, I don't want to talk to you. It all went South--and it wasn't fast...it was like the Bataan Death March. Long, terrifying, grueling, painful. Lonely.

Then today, a little lightbulb went off inside my head while I was doing the dishes, something completely mindless and innocuous. To trust, you simply just have to BELIEVE. Believe that God is honest. Believe that God loves you. Believe that He will allow good things to happen in your life. Believe He will walk with you and never leave you. Believe. And I did...and it was like for a moment, a ray of bright sunshine peered through the clouds in my mind.

Of course, like all weather systems, the clouds moved back in, and my mind frantically searched for the ray again...but, I was not without hope. If is showed up once, if I believe, it will show up again, and again, getting stronger with each appearance, until one day I won't have to try so hard, hope and belief will have become a welcome friend.

Addendum

I found out what my vague queasiness has been for these last few days...and it had nothing to do with nostalgia, anniversaries or lost opportunities--it was my Dad. His cancer has returned.

I knew something was wrong, and I couldn't pinpoint it. I have a sixth sense when evil is on the wind, I always seem to know...it's not a clear premonition, just a grieved spirit of sorts comes over me. It's happens literally in front of every bad event/storm in my life--and I mean life changing events, like deaths, serious illnesses, accidents.

He's gone back to the hospital today, for further testing, and a game plan on how to handle this. First, the infection in his body needs to be brought under control, so they can figure out his chemo courses...I'm waiting to hear from him and my Mother later today.

In an effort to distract myself and expend some excess nervous energy, I was outside planting my pathetic, brink of death sapling plants, and I ripped my thumbnail almost off at the base, so I'm in alot of damn pain (right hand to boot) and I can't concentrate or attempt to paint tonight until this heals up a little bit (tomorrow hopefully). I'm so blindsided by all of this, and the waiting, it's like I'm underwater looking at the surface.

So, there it is. Now it's time to don the armor and begin battling again.