Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts

Friday, April 15, 2011

New painting

"La familia/Lazy Spring Saturday" by Hilary J. England, oil on canvas, 24" x 30" x 2"





   
This is my newest painting.  It's called: "La Familia/Lazy Spring Saturday".  I have been moving away from the closely cropped compositions I was working with, and also with the very closely bound group of models I was working with, which centered on a smaller group of young women, and have been moving outward to include the family life and their interactions.

This was a tough week.  My fifteen year daughter has been very ill for the last several weeks, and the Doctor suspected it to be Hodgkin's lymphoma.  The tentative diagnosis scared me stupid, literally.  We waited for three days to get the results of the vast amount of tests and xrays, etc., and during that time, I died in inches.  The tests came back yesterday, cancer free!!  I can't stop thanking God for that mercy.  But, there is always the but...she does have a rather serious thyroid deficiency that they can't pinpoint as to the cause, possible Hashimoto disease, or some other autoimmune syndrome, and her x-rays revealed that the deficiency was so serious, she has suffered a fracture in her right hip...so, we now have to see some specialists this week and get some more tests and an MRI, and go from there...

So, we be thankful for our blessings, and we move on...on to wellness, on to acceptance, on to contentment in all things.♥♥

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Frustrated!

I can't wait for this summer to be over. Our water heater burst Saturday night, and we had a monster flood in the basement not to mention no water since then. Of course, this happened on Saturday night when there was no plumber to answer their phone, or able to get anything done until this morning. I'm just fed up at this point.

I have not been able to get anything done...I had company in on Saturday night, which made this a nightmare--I still have my nephew with me...he decided a jump in the pool was a good alternative to a bath, LOL. Kids.

I NEED to get this painting finished--if they linger more than a day, I'm crazed. God is merciful in that the kids go back to school Wednesday morning...and not a moment too soon. Teachers have it made--alot of whining about how hard their jobs are, but they get full time pay for part time hours...only hitch is, they have to deal with KIDS all day long. On second thought...maybe it is a pretty hard job after all!

I'll post my new painting sometime tonight or tomorrow. I have some chaotic BS today in running about to get sneakers, haircuts, pencils, etc. Then, come 6 a.m. tomorrow, the fun begins!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Tornado Time


We have a tornado alert in effect for the next hour...it's kind of laughable, since we live in Schulykill, PA.


Aside from having my power knocked out several times today, still no sight of it! Anyhoo...above is my latest painting--it's called "The Secret" and here's the tidbit behind it: I was doing yardwork and I started to get divebombed by a crazy robin, and I know birds don't generally carry rabies ;-) so I figured I'd find out what I did to irritate it so badly...upon some perfunctory inspection of the area gutters, and a large hedge, I found the "secret." Her nest--she was defending her nursery! It was better than an Easter egg hunt! I quickly left the area so she could go back to attending her nest and not abandon them altogether...


I've had a dickens of a time photographing this last painting, maybe since it's a high contrast painting...the darks and lights don't come through balanced like they do in the actually painting...it's a reflection issue, even though I'm not using flash.


Anyway--I've done the best I can in terms of photographing it, so now it's time to post it to eBay, Etsy, and all the other sites---going up very low, with no reserve price, so now's the time to go bid!


Take care and ttfn!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Where does time go?

This summer has flown by...I will be picking Cannoli up from girl's camp the day after tomorrow, and it seems I just dropped her off! Not that I mind, since I miss her keenly...

My trip to Maine was short, and thankfully so. Maine was beautiful, it's just that I was not in the "mindset" to keep the company I did. I was extremely grateful to get home and sleep in my own bed...

But, from the brief stay I did have, I have a few new paintings for a "mini" series...I will begin to post them in the next day or so.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Untitled

I've had a lingering sickness for the last two weeks...it's in my throat now, but I hope it's on it's way out...

I've also had a lingering sickness in my mind...I feel all out of sorts...anxious, a bit depressed, as if something is waiting to happen...I can't pinpoint it, and I hate being distressed over something vague.

I guess I'll just out to my studio and start another piece...It's cool and clammy out, and I kind of like that...matches my mood.

My Dad came for a visit yesterday with Dale and Tom in tow...it was good to see him out and about, be he looked old and frail, and I was afraid to hug him and get him sick all over again. We all had a nice chat...discussing art, Silver Screen Hollywood, of course, Clint and his movies, Gran Torino, we went on to discourse about Henry Miller, reading some passages from "Black Spring" and as usual the state of the economy and political turmoil...drank some herbal tea...which was good because my nerves were fried with an ocular migraine triggered by an overdose of Chambourcin the night before...I gotta cut out the BS...that shit is going to be the end of me if I don't watch it.

Well, another cup of coffee, and I should be ready to head outside...

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Beyond Hope

Can I be hoped? helped? In that order...I'm alone, 3 am, I entertained and loved, ready to rip off my own skin...

I don't say I hated entertaining, or the people I did...I hated not being good enough...I hated the fact that I'm fucked up...I looked into their eyes, knowing I was lost--because I am...in this world. They were better than me, and I struggled to stay alive...my work, my paintings...that makes me "whatever." Shit. Puke. Everything awful and dead.

My paintings...most of the time, I look at them and want to kick them in, burn them, trounce them...same as that goes on in my mind. They are trash in my mind--no one that amounts to anything thinks about them. Especially family.

Oh, by the way...to show I'm completely worthless...Nicole got a clean MRI today...her brain cancer is in remission. I'm happy and numb... numb because I'm still to blame over not "reacting" the right way. I'm a freak...I love her, but I'm just sick. I've never ever done the right thing, and now, they have the excuses to fly against me as to why I'm this way.  It's what it is...blown up...destroyed...sunken like a destroyer.

I realize NO ONE has loved me...they may have reached out a hand it transition, but looking at my group of FB friends, I realize I wasn't loved. Not important. Not in the right way. I was hot and distant. I hated myself, and apparently, they all hated me to. What a fucking horrible realization, a slap.

You never knew a piss-0ff like what i feel...fuck it. I know who's worth their fucking metro card.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Vampires in my coffee

Last night was a strange one...I fell asleep reading the letters of Vincent and Theo, probably around 2 a.m.ish, and had a series of incredibly vivid dreams.

I dreamt there was a party going on in a home, I'm supposing the home was mine, but it was huge, rambling, like a maze, and broken down, like a fraternity house or something. The corridors were lined with nameless, faceless revelers. I was agitated about this, since it was my doing, and the kids were in the house, lost among the "guests."

All of a sudden, the Police showed up, and everyone began to scramble. I was more frantic now, but a woman, I'll call her the "Girl" came up to me, very stylish, young and chic, and patted me on the shoulder sympathetically, and told me not to worry, everything would be just fine. She was part of a small group of odd, yet handsome people, who seemed unruffled by all of the chaos. She moved aside, and sitting on a couch between a young, Goth looking man and woman was Noelle. Anthony moved from out of the shadows and stood by me looking anxious.

I felt immediate relief but then consternation...what now? The police were rounding everyone up, including some of the small group I mentioned. They took two biker looking men from the group, who didn't resist their arrest. The one man smiled at us and winked. The "Girl" turned to me with a sly smile I didn't understand, and whispered, "He's two hundred years old, and being arrested doesn't bother him. He'll slip away without a fuss." I was confused now, and asked her how is this possible? She smiled and showed pointy, glistening teeth. She said, "We're vampires."

I should have been horrified but I was numb. I looked at my daughter sitting between the two creatures and gave a start, but the "Girl" said, "Don't worry, we want to help you. You must come with us." I began to follow, as the whole group got up and began to move rapidly through the maze of corridors. Anthony whispered a warning, but I dismissed it as childish. We opened one door, and my brother was sitting in a broken down room, on a ragged bean bag looking chair, watching an ancient TV on a milk crate. He didn't look up from his stupor, and just waved us away. I was alarmed, but the "Girl" grasped my arm and said, "We'll come back for him later. There's no time now." I protested, saying, "What if he's gone?" She assured me it would be alright, and we began to run now.

We burst through a beat up, industrial metal door, into the dim evening light. Everyone dispersed, and Anthony and Noelle disappeared as quick as lightening with the group. I immediately panicked and protested, but the "Girl" pointed to a motorcycle and said urgently, "Get on, we've got to go. We're meeting up with the others." We both got on, her on the front, me on the back. I tried to fumbling strap on a helmet, as she did hers smoothly, and the motorcycle reared into a wheely of sorts, nearly knocking me off the back. I thought, "I must stay on, or I'll never see my kids again!" So, I grabbed her in a bear hug around the waist, and just clung on with my eyes tightly shut.

We road what seemed a short distance to a huge, decaying, abandoned warehouse. As we approached, the "Girl" seemed to lose her energy, and became somewhat lethargic. The bike meandered to a slow crawl, and then it lurched, and went down. I was able to jump off, but she fell beneath the weight of it. I went to help her up and she recoiled. "Don't touch me!" she hissed.

Something about her demeanor had completely changed. She seemed irritable, distant, menacing. I tried to swallow my fear, and walk with her, just so I could get to my children. We walked quickly to what looked like an old cafeteria, but a small one. There were beat up couches, and a TV playing, snowy and monotone. The rest of the group was there, and didn't even look up as we walked in. Again, Noelle was tight between them, and Anthony was on the fringe of the group, looking anxious. I saw the relief wash across his face when he saw me, and he walked quickly to my side and whispered, "We've got to get out of here." I nodded in agreement. I realized in my quest to get us out of the jam I had put us in at the "house," I made a grievous error, and had compounded the situation to a dangerous level by being here...and we might not make it out alive. I felt my heart pounding in my chest as I tried to figure out what to do.

In the meantime, a few vampires trickled out of a back corridor, and stealthily entered the area we were in. There seemed to be something down the corridor, but I couldn't see anything.

The "Girl" looked positively sick now. She yelled at one of the other vampires to let her into the "room." I don't know what was in there, but she became very agitated when a male vampire by the corridor stated she would have to wait her turn. I reminded me of having to wait for a restroom when you have to go to the bathroom really bad, and she paced and shifted looking miserable, but not even looking in our direction. None of them did. Anthony asked a question, something inane, like for a drink of water, and they looked at us with disgust, and said something rude like, "Why are you bothering us?"

I saw this as an opportunity, and said, "Apparently, this is a bad time for you--so we'll be on our way!" and quickly grabbed both kids' arms and headed for the door. Noelle was reluctant because she didn't understand the situation, but she moved nonetheless.

As we left, I became angry--angry at myself for trusting them, and angry at them for deceiving me. They brought us to this dangerous place on the pretense that they cared, and were our friends, and they really didn't. For some reason, it hurt me, even though I should've known they were evil creatures. Somehow, I felt they should've cared, even though they didn't have the capacity to.

As we crossed through a large, dark, cavernous expanse right before the exit out, all of a sudden, a low, childish voice called out to us, and in the weak light of the exit, children began running out at us. One young teen after another ran out as quick as lightening, their evil eyes flashing in the darkness--they were vampires also, but these made no pretense of friendship. Terror welled up as they surrounded us, and the burning fear and desperation made me tight as spring--we were just feet from the exit. They circled and taunted us, and then attacked us.

It felt like hands ripping us apart, not our flesh, just separating our grip on one another--in the darkness I lost sight of both Anthony and Noelle. A horrifying looking heavy set girl in a clown outfit, with white-blue eyes and slavering teeth, held me down--saying all kinds of horrible things to me. I pleaded with her to let us go, have mercy, just let us leave, but she laughed at me and said, "No, you will suffer." She suddenly let me go, and I was alone in the dark.

As I stumbled about, I heard yells and screams and cries and evil laughter in the dark, as if they were playing some monstrous game of tag in the blackness. All of a sudden, I felt someone firmly grab my arm--it startled me and I screamed and struggled--but I heard a voice--"Mom, it's Anthony!" I looked at him in the weak light, and he looked sad and scared. "Where's Noelle?" I screamed--he looked at me in horror and just shook his head.

We began running around the darkness, screaming her name. After what seemed an eternity, I saw a young figure stumbling in the darkness, feeling along the walls with her hands. It was Noelle! I ran up and grabbed her, so happy she was safe. I kissed her and hugged her and cried tears of happiness, as we ran for the door. Just as I got my hand on the door and began to pull it open, she wrenched herself from my grip, as if she was scared to go outside. I looked at her inquiringly, and she held up her hand. On it, smeared in blood, was a strange symbol.

"What does that mean?" I begged...and she said to me, "I got bitten by one of them--I can't leave with you." My heart raged and broke, and I screamed into the darkness--"I won't leave her here! You can't have her!" Anthony and I cried, and swore we wouldn't leave without her, we would find a way to save her, and we would be turned also rather than leave her...and we began back into the darkness to find the monsters and demand an answer...

And then I woke up.

And it's left me in a sad and depressed mood...so here I am.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Addendum

I found out what my vague queasiness has been for these last few days...and it had nothing to do with nostalgia, anniversaries or lost opportunities--it was my Dad. His cancer has returned.

I knew something was wrong, and I couldn't pinpoint it. I have a sixth sense when evil is on the wind, I always seem to know...it's not a clear premonition, just a grieved spirit of sorts comes over me. It's happens literally in front of every bad event/storm in my life--and I mean life changing events, like deaths, serious illnesses, accidents.

He's gone back to the hospital today, for further testing, and a game plan on how to handle this. First, the infection in his body needs to be brought under control, so they can figure out his chemo courses...I'm waiting to hear from him and my Mother later today.

In an effort to distract myself and expend some excess nervous energy, I was outside planting my pathetic, brink of death sapling plants, and I ripped my thumbnail almost off at the base, so I'm in alot of damn pain (right hand to boot) and I can't concentrate or attempt to paint tonight until this heals up a little bit (tomorrow hopefully). I'm so blindsided by all of this, and the waiting, it's like I'm underwater looking at the surface.

So, there it is. Now it's time to don the armor and begin battling again.

The Comfort of Gloom

To me, there is something so comforting about a gloomy day...the peaceful grayness of it, the melancholy quiet, the soft, misty, ethereal air...it just makes me feel as if I'm being wrapped in a coccoon of quiet and calm...like a giant pair of unearthly, angelic arms are holding me.

That's what it's like outside today, and it makes me very content. I have things to do, and I don't feel bad not doing them, because these days aren't so often...to have the perfect, gloomy day outside!

My Dad's been feeling poorly...we're hoping it's not pneumonia. His Onc put him on some heavy duty antibiotics for his upper respiratory infection, and it's knocked him down pretty well. I had a terrible dream about him last night...I dreamt I went to visit him. I walked into a bright and foreign kitchen, and he was unrecognizable. The drugs had swollen his face up to the point of disfigurement; even his eyes were changed and so sad. Strangely, his body was that of a very young, healthy man, muscular and vibrant. I was horrified and I said to him, "Dad, you have to see your Doctor immediately!" He refused (as always) and said, "Let me just give it another day, the medicine is working!" I was insistent that he see his Doctor, and he refused, and I left him, with a feeling of dread, that he might not make the night. Then I woke up.

I guess it was even worse then the dream I had the night before, that when I blew my nose, copious amounts of red insect pieces (looked like maggots or something) kept coming out...

I don't know...I only know that I feel ok today, must be all the St. John's Wort I've been taking for the last few weeks...

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Eat your Wheaties and other tidbits of supposed wisdom...

I'm starting off behind the "eight ball" today. My allergies are killing me, and the sleep aid I took last night have kicked my butt, to the point of me waking up at 6 am not even knowing I where I was for a few moments...nice the things a person must go through to combat insomnia...

I was at the gym doing intense cardio for over an hour yesterday, and through my sweaty haze, I had a dull feeling of dread I was trying to outrun, something vague growing like a seed in the core of my being...I was trying to figure out what it might be, and I guess this morning it dawned on me.

Today would've been my 20th wedding anniversary.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm certainly not pining over the waste of life that is my ex, but I'm pining over the loss of what I had dreamed of 20 years ago. I wanted someone to love forever, a best friend to trust and raise a family with, and now, that the kids are all almost grown, someone to have lived through that wonderful experience with me, and to move onto to happy and freewheeling times as "empty nesters;" in short, I wanted a lifelong mate, and I got cheated.

I raised my children alone with absolutely no help (not even child support) of any kind, including relatives, and suffered through many, many trials to handle by myself. I cried many tears of pain and anger for my kids, and for myself at being cheated of their rights to a father that cared about their well being, or even if they were alive or dead!

I never wanted to have to be single again, and try to find a "needle in a haystack," which was a man that would truly care for my kids, and also actually be someone who I may have a remote interest in...so many things, so much pain.

For a long time, I lost my faith in all things good, including God. Oh, I would mouth the words and hollowly cant a faith, but it was just empty air, and I was as empty as a person could get.

I have recently decided this isn't acceptable, and after my long struggle, I want to "go home." No, not to die, but to live. I want to go home to God, who loved me as a child, and loved me as an adult, I just didn't see it because I was blinded by my pain and struggles. I want my best friend back--and it was God all along, never a human being.

So, I try again, and today is the anniversary of the prodigal's return.

Crow in the Mist New oil painting

“Crow in the mist” by Hilary J. England, 12” x 16” oil on canvas  I was out walking along in the cold damp fog the day before the big snow, ...