Monday, April 27, 2009

Lessons Learned

I've been doing a lot of reading today, Joyce Meyer's book, "Never Give Up." It's a very inspirational read, especially for me, who suffers from lifelong depression. It's become worse lately, like it's out of "remission" and I feel very alienated and somewhat paranoid. It's like a bad downward spiral, the worse you feel, the more you isolate yourself and mistrust other people, the more inert you become, and even the most menial tasks become gargantuan, and you feel even more depressed about that, and you go down the tubes like getting flushed in a toilet.

I am trying to work through this, and I know my family is impatient with me--kids are kids, and they only want what they want, right now. M left me completely and utterly drunk and possibly suicidal last night, with a loaded gun, and I haven't heard from him since. I guess he feels irritated at my illness, and the darkness that has emerged lately. I have been with him through all of his bullshit, but I guess when it comes time to show what it's really about, it's certainly not about me, if I have annoying baggage and not just money and some looks. I'm sorry for my present condition, but it not something somebody wants or can even help, anymore than being a cancer patient. I'm sorry if that offends people, but depression and mental illness is a disease, not a behavioral choice...

I am committing myself to a week of intensive soul searching, and trying to keep my mornings and early afternoons entirely devoted to reading, meditation, and trying to hear God's voice and obtain healing. I have been taking stepped up dosages of St. John's Wort, in an effort to avoid medication if at all possible, and trying to get an hour's worth of cardio daily, plus minimize stress as much as I can. I'm also trying to eat very carefully, healthfully, and in small amounts. Sleep is a huge issue for me, since I'm an insomniac, so this is a nightly struggle, but if it means sleeping later into the morning so I can be well-rested, I'm not going to feel guilty about that anymore. It's necessary for my health, so I'm accepting it as a healing strategy, and not because I'm a "bum."

I am also postponing my return to B's figure drawing sessions since even that weekly trip in is just too overwhelming to me at this point, with the kids and school and the fact that M is too unstable in terms of his "forgetfulness" and I don't feel comfortable leaving the kids alone with him--that sounds terrible to say, but it's the truth. I've tried to avoid talking to my family, since they are so completely negative about everything, to that when I get off the phone, I just feel like sticking my head in the oven--thank God it's electric ;-) The last thing I need right now is their hideously horrible outlook on life, and their terrible and catchy self-loathing. No, I just want to talk with the Universal Optimist...He's the only one I'm interested in hearing from right now.

So there it is...horrible to see in writing, but a necessary purging. I will write more as I go along...

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