Saturday, December 19, 2009

Snow and the blues

Feeling rather sad today.  I was looking through old photos, and wondering where time has gone...the kids were little, we were young and carefree...now, I feel time has caught us. 

Dad's treatment seems to have failed at this point, it seems he has become refractory to his protocol.  Refractory.  The one word no patient wants to ever hear.  His numbers have come back up, and his Dr. will look to try a clinical trial for salvage.  Salvage.  A sinking ship.  A dying patient.  My Dad.  I'm numb now.

Will this be our last Christmas together?  Will we lose him?  Will the new year take him away from us?  Who else will not make it through 2010??  We have so many who are sick in our family now...I can't think about it, since it makes my heart just sink in my chest.

I hope my brother is having a happy birthday...he has many cares on his shoulders, so I hope today will be good to him. 

I don't know if I can drag myself outside to work...I may never stop.  I'll just lose myself in my painting...another world, where there is no sickness and no death.  Just happy, smiling faces of the people you love...

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