Saturday, May 23, 2009

Beyond Hope

Can I be hoped? helped? In that order...I'm alone, 3 am, I entertained and loved, ready to rip off my own skin...

I don't say I hated entertaining, or the people I did...I hated not being good enough...I hated the fact that I'm fucked up...I looked into their eyes, knowing I was lost--because I am...in this world. They were better than me, and I struggled to stay alive...my work, my paintings...that makes me "whatever." Shit. Puke. Everything awful and dead.

My paintings...most of the time, I look at them and want to kick them in, burn them, trounce them...same as that goes on in my mind. They are trash in my mind--no one that amounts to anything thinks about them. Especially family.

Oh, by the way...to show I'm completely worthless...Nicole got a clean MRI today...her brain cancer is in remission. I'm happy and numb... numb because I'm still to blame over not "reacting" the right way. I'm a freak...I love her, but I'm just sick. I've never ever done the right thing, and now, they have the excuses to fly against me as to why I'm this way.  It's what it is...blown up...destroyed...sunken like a destroyer.

I realize NO ONE has loved me...they may have reached out a hand it transition, but looking at my group of FB friends, I realize I wasn't loved. Not important. Not in the right way. I was hot and distant. I hated myself, and apparently, they all hated me to. What a fucking horrible realization, a slap.

You never knew a piss-0ff like what i feel...fuck it. I know who's worth their fucking metro card.

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