Friday, April 19, 2013

Quiet

It's nice and quiet this morning, with the occasional car passing by, and the sound of the rain hitting the window.  I slept very late this morning, almost until 10 a.m., but I don't care.  I needed it, for sure.

Mark also got some rest, and was off to work as usual today.  He says he feels better, and for that, I am happy.  He will be doctor free (hopefully) until Tuesday, when he goes in for his port.  I know how important it is for him to have his life back, and to be able to do the things he usually does, so being able to work, visiting friends and new places, go out for dinner, etc. are all things we are looking forward to getting back to doing.  It's been a really tough month.

In the quiet, I find myself disconcerted.  Now that I have time to think and breath, I feel anxious.  I look at my paint brushes, and find they just stare back at me absently.  They don't beckon me, and I don't feel compelled to pick them up.  It is a strange feeling.  I just stare out the window at the rain, as if a giant blister has enveloped my mind, both drowning and insulating it at the same time.  I don't feel anything, just anxious, and it's a vague, queasy anxiousness, an anticipatory anxiousness, as if I was waiting for something, and I don't know what.

I was so exhausted last night, and I had tons of stuff to do.  I had to enlist Gabby's help, poor girl, because I had to be both in Tamaqua to pick up Noelle and in Brodheadsville to pick up Anthony at the same time, and did not know how to navigate that.  She was gracious and offered to drive Anthony home, since she was only a few miles away.  I got Noelle, and by the time we all got back to the house, dropped them off, and left to get my truck (I had left it at the hospital yesterday and drove Mark home in his car), it was close to midnight.  Everyone was hungry for a "midnight snack," so we went through the drive thru for some forbidden food, got my truck, and I bid Gabby "goodnight" and thank you.

As I pulled into the driveway at home, we have a very large streetlight that fully lights up our driveway.  I got out of the car with my arms filled with a bag of junk food, sodas, purse, keys, cellphones, miscellaneous papers, etc., and as I closed the door to the car, the reflection in the window showed a figure running up behind me!  It startled me so bad I dropped most of everything (including spilling Dr. Pepper down the front of my shirt), and whirled around, expecting to see someone literally face to face with me.  I stood there a minute, looked around the car, composed myself, picked everything up, and spooked, walked toward the house.  I saw movement by the bushes then, and that was enough.  I burst into a full sprint to the house, got inside, and locked everything up, and delivered the disheveled food.  I guess it was my mind playing tricks on me.  I guess...either way, sleep was a welcome friend last night!

So, for today, I don't know.  I don't know.  I guess I am on autopilot, and things will figure themselves out as the day wears on.

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