Thursday, April 18, 2013

Cancer sucks.

So, weeks have stretched on, days and days of test after horrible test, and we know that whatever cancer it is, the metastases need to be dealt with quickly, since that is the immediate threat to Mark. Biopsies, scopes, scans, blood workups, etc. and nothing shows why he keeps needing blood transfusions. I asked if it could be bone marrow failure, and that may be a possibility, but no one will know until the bloodwork is back, so we wait and wait.

 Cancer is a never-ending waiting game. If you don't learn to deal with it, you will go insane for sure. Mark's up-and-down scopes were done today, and he could barely get himself up to bed. He was so drained from the the disgusting gallon of liquid he had to drink for the last 24 hours, plus no food, plus his counts being so low, he was staggering like a drunken sailor by the time we pulled into the driveway, and I was fearful he wouldn't be able to make it up the steps into bed. Thankfully, he did, and is sleeping comfortably now. Day by day is how we go.

 I feel so drained, and frustrated. I feel helpless to answer his questions, and I am hardpressed to interpret what the doctor's tell me, and state the message both truthfully, compassionately, and in a way that will inspire him to continue to hope and fight. I am exhausted now too, and we are only a month into this nightmare. Prayers and praying help, and I have to just take it very very slow and not deal with the little things, just focus on the bigger issues in our day to day.

 Yesterday, the high school called while I was in conference call with the doctor. They kept beeping and beeping persistently through, to the point where I thought it was some sort of an emergency, and put the doctor on hold for a moment. It was so a teacher could complain that my 17 year old young adult "sassed" her. Guess what? Deal with it yourself, Miss Teacher. 17 year-olds know the rules, and know that Mommy really can't do anything to punish them, especially in the midst of a crisis, so either my 17 year old follows the rules, or Miss Teacher does what she needs to do to discipline her. I told her that specifically, that my child is now a young adult, and "telling" on her to me was no longer the right course of action. To be frank, my 17 year-old needs to make up her own mind whether or not she wants to continue with her education and follow the rules, or not. That's the bottom line. Mommy can't repair everything any more, and Mommy needs to focus on her incredibly ill husband--that's where Mommy's responsibilities are.

 Now, some people may find that offensive, but I don't care. I am old school, and I believe that if you are 17, can do whatever you feel like doing without your parents being able to do a thing about it, as is much of the case nowadays, then young adults can start taking responsibility for their actions as well. Bottom line. Do the right thing, or pay the consequences in your life--all people need to learn that, and when you are 17, it's a good time to begin. So, giving up the director's chair in everyone else's life has been a good start, and one of self-preservation. I have to help Mark get through this, and keep my own sanity as well.

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