Storms and reflections

"Storm over the wildflowers"
8" x 10" oil on canvas, 2013

The heat has been blistering, but I feel blessed to have an air conditioned studio for the first time in years!  For so long I would schedule working in my studio around the cooler parts of the day, or if I was in a time crunch, work through the heat, as if I lived in a tropical region, with the fans slowly and crookedly spinning overhead, flies buzzing my head because I had to keep the doors open to prevent the area from becoming an inferno...yes, I am blessed to have air conditioning now.  It may not be a very strong air conditioner, but it makes the studio 77 degrees versus 100 degrees.  Quite a difference!!

So, that means I can enjoy working at my leisure, and that is a wonderful feeling too.  The summer moves on, and these lazy days give me pause to reflect, not on the negative, but on the positive.  I feel assured that there are still wonderful things to come, and that gives me hope, happiness, and confidence to enjoy these days and the moments, as we move through this corridor of change. Change is uncomfortable, and sometimes downright painful and scary, but this continuing evolution is more quiet, more subtle.  That can either be more maddening or more frightening, but I choose to perceive it more as a respite, and a gift, an oasis in the turbulence that is life.

I am finishing up one last painting in my old series, and then, I will begin a new series, and I am looking forward to beginning that next week.  I feel confident this will also be the genesis of a powerful new part of my life.  That fills me with excitement, and gratitude for all I have experienced, both negative and positive.  Without the negative, there can be no appreciation or positive, like the development of a photograph.

So, with that, I will leave you with this little plein air painting, "Storm over the wildflowers."  It is appropriate for what I am feeling now, for where I feel I am at.  The storms come, yet they are beautiful even in their fearful power, as they water and nourish and foster the beauty of all they drench in their rains.  The wildflowers could never be so beautiful, lush, and fragrant if they were only exposed to sunny days, and that is the same with us.  All of the cool and warm greens, oranges, yellows and violets could never be so vibrant and captivating if the sun shone on them constantly, if there was never storms to cool their glorious colors, rainfall and wind to buffer and batter their stems and petals, making them stronger and more resilient, more majestic to behold...

A taste of Autumn

"Mums and a pumpkin"
oil on canvas, 8" x 10", 2013

Ah, a little taste of Autumn, my favorite season.  I enjoy all of the seasons, but there is just something about the fall that is irresistible to me.  The colors, the weather, the scent of it, and just the feel of the fall always exhilarated and invigorated me, and I definitely need some invigoration with this constant back pain.

So, while enjoying the summer, I also am looking forward to the beautiful weather of the Autumn. 

Isaac

"Isaac"
12" x 16" oil on canvas, 2013

I have finally completed Isaac's portrait.  It was hard to get it finished with Maddie around, because like all little kids, she can't sit still for more than a minute, and I really found it hard to concentrate.  It doesn't matter though now, since it's done.

Now, I will varnish it tomorrow, and then frame it.  It was a sad portrait to paint, but I'm glad to have done it.It helped me to work through some of the sadness and pain, and know that this painting will be something his Mother keeps close to her heart.

Happy Independence Day!

"Isaac" Day 3
12" x 16" oil on canvas

I'm about 3/4ths the way through this painting.  Now I will be adding highlights and deeper shadows, refining the transitions, and fine tuning little things.  I put the painting to dry, because I usually glaze and scumble a lot at this stage of the painting, and I need it to be dry. Of course, getting a photo indoors was next to impossible because my fill lights are in the basement (and I'm too lazy to haul them to my studio) and my tripod is in the car (and I'm too lazy to go out there and get it) but this was not too bad, enough for you to get the idea of where I'm at.  I really enjoyed doing this painting, I feel like I was able to let loose some of my pain and grief associated with his untimely death, in a most positive way.  I felt as if he was guiding me through the creative process, telling me what he "liked" and didn't like, etc.  It was actually very peaceful and comforting.

Well, today of course is the 4th of July, or for those who don't know, Independence Day.  I am looking forward to enjoying this day with some old friends, my family, a ton of little screeching kids, an awesome BBQ and of course, some fireworks.  Have fun all, stay safe and enjoy!

Work and rain

"Isaac" Day 2
12" x 16" oil on canvas

It's good to record my progress as I go along.  I usually am lazy about photoing my progress, but I decided to be a little more disciplined about it, and it helps me to make changes to the painting as I see it through "different eyes."  The old trick used to be to turn the painting to the wall for a few days, but when you don't have  a few days to take your leisure, this works as well.

I still get teary when I start painting this portrait, but after a little while, I kind of "commune" with him, and it's not sad, but a bit comforting.  I know he is in Heaven, so that helps, somewhat.  I figure a few hours a day for the next few days and the painting should be completed.  This weather is helpful, because I don't have to juggle going outside to do some landscapes, I can just concentrate on studio work.  Maybe I'll be finished in sooner than expected if I knuckle down, haha.  I have a 4th of July party to attend tomorrow so that will slow things up for a day at least.

So, I hope you all have a wonderful 4th of July, and stay safe!

Tenderness

"Isaac" start of portrait, 7/2/2013

I started working on Isaac's portrait today...posthumous paintings are always hard, both from a technical and emotional standpoint, especially this one, one of a person that was so young, one that was so close to us.  I knew this was going to be a heartbreaker, so I kind of avoided doing it, and I just knew, I can't avoid it any longer.

I cried the entire time I did the foundation of the painting.  How could this have happened?  The question that just never can be answered still reverberates in my mind.   He left so many heartbroken people behind.  Yes, he left as a "heartbreaker."  He would have felt  a little smug and proud to know so many women had their hearts broken, but not in a mean way, he was always a "ladies man," haha.  But, he was a little boy in his heart.  I wept as I draw the curve of his nose, exactly like Maddie's, the big eyes, just like all of his precious children.  The thought pains me so deeply of how with his sudden departure he left Gabby so lost, his Mother looking for him in every corner, every glimpse, every young man that walks by, Bronson asking "Where's Daddy?"

I know this painting will help me to work through some of the pain I have for his death, some, not all.  It is therapeutic for me, as I communicate with him through the process.  I hope the finished painting will bring joy to his Mom, and to the other loving family and friends that were devastated by his loss.

Cabin fever

"Yarrow and wildflowers by the stream" by Hilary J. England
oil on canvas, 8" x 10" 2013

I feel caged today, I'm not sure why.  I woke up and finished some more mundane stuff, and went to paint, but was rained out, so finished up at home, and for whatever reason, that irritated me.  No particular reason, just in general.  I must be PMSing or something, haha.

I've been feeling a little down in general for the last several days, just feeling frustrated like I'm not getting anywhere, just treading water.  I hate being in a "holding pattern," so that could be it...I always feel that if I'm not "catapulting" forward, I'm going backwards--I'm not the most patient person in the world, so most of my life lessons seem to deal with having to wait on things, and that makes me frustrated still, even after all of this time.  So, I'm just a crab apple for the last day or so.  It'll pass.

In the meantime, I hope you enjoy my little streamside painting of yarrow and wildflowers, which are some of the very beautiful gifts of Summer I look forward to every year.  Enjoy!

Flowers and happy days

"Lighthouse and flowers at dusk" by Hilary J England
oil on canvas, 8" x 10" 2013

This painting is was done from studies of a little lighthouse during our travels.  My husband loves lighthouses, and thinking of one of our trips to the beach, I decided to go ahead and do some transfers into oil.  This is the first one.  I had the darndest time trying to photograph it!  I may try again later or tomorrow.

So, tomorrow we go to Philadelphia in hopes of hearing a new game plan for him.  We are hoping the pancreatic cancer specialist has some hopeful interventions, and we are looking forward to spending the day together in Philadelphia afterwards, and having a nice meal and enjoying the day.

That's it for today, my back is still giving me fits, but there's not a whole lot I can do about it, so I pray, and go about my day.  I know it's got to get better soon, it's just hard waiting through the misery.  I just focus on happy things and happy times, like tomorrow!

Gray

"Study of tide pools and flowers on a foggy day" by Hilary J. England
oil on canvas panel, 8" x 10", 2013

Dreaming of the beach again!  Recalling the beauty of Cape Cod, and still missing it.  This painting was done in recollection of New England, based on watercolor sketches I had done there.  I had quite a few, and this particular one I really enjoyed, and thought the transfer to oil would be nice.  I might do a bigger in-studio landscape based on these, but I'm still considering yet, and am working on some commissions, so that idea will have to remain in the think-tank until I'm finished up in the next week or two.

Maddie went home yesterday, and I really feel quite lonely without her.  I didn't realize how sweet it is to have a little one around again, and how she is so adorable, working with me, soaking everything up like a little sponge, her innocent curiosity and joy.  It's such a wonderful gift, to have a child!  I can't wait until she comes back to stay with me again.

So, it's back to the usual for me.  I didn't realize how quiet things are until she went home, and now I decided to just get as much done as possible, to fill that void.  So, I have lots of plans for the next few weeks!

Until tomorrow, I hope you enjoy the little seascape!  :-)

Sweet days

"Path through the wildflowers" by Hilary J. England
oil on canvas panel, 8" x 10", 2013

I've had Maddie with me this last week, and what a treat that's been, even if she does tucker me out with her six year old's energy.  She loves to come paint with me, walk the dog, go swimming, blow her bubbles, and the world is still a beautiful place, even in spite of anything sad or bad.  What a wonder children are.  I sometimes forget we all started like that.

So, I'll keep it brief, since she is waiting for me, with her bubbles, and her coloring books!

Daydreaming

"Rocks and roses" by Hilary J. England
oil on canvas, 8" x 10" 

I was daydreaming back to the whales at Cape Cod, and the beaches of New England.  I long to be there, with every fiber of my being.  So, here is a little painting from then, and I can be a mental traveler until I get the opportunity to travel back to those shores.

I have been busy, trying to forget this pain.  It helps sometimes, but not at night.  Then, it becomes a battle to sleep, and I wake up cranky and exhausted.  I'm just glad school is done, so I don't feel that pressure as well. I look forward to this summer being a good one~

Summer days

"Precarious (cherries on a wing plate)" by Hilary J. England
8" x 10" oil on canvas panel

I've been very busy with Maddie, and that is very nice.  We've done all sorts of neat things, and I was even able to paint a little still life, as she painted her own, and ate up our all of our cherries/props.  Photographing it has been another story, since I did it in a rush, and I lost all of the midtones in the photo, but, I think you get the jist!!

So, now I'm off for another action packed adventure with Miss Maddie.  Enjoy!!

Clouds and silver linings

"Study of clouds and cherry blossoms" by Hilary J. England
Oil on canvas panel, 8" x 10" 2013

Well, tomorrow is graduation, I can't believe it!  I'm ready for it, and for this leg of my educational journey to be done.  Now, continue on....who knows?  Just not right now.  Maybe in a few months or so, after I catch my breath.

I have been very keen on the beautiful, vibrant colors of the foliage and flowers yesterday, particular clouds, their shadows, and their splendid range of infinite colors and shapes!  This little painting reflects that, and I very much enjoyed painting this one.  My neck and back are still not in very good condition, but I kept my head pretty level, and the clouds were just magnificent!

Enjoy!

Lemony

"Lemons on a wooden table" by Hilary J. England
8" x 10" oil on canvas panel, 2013

I guess I feel like life has thrown some lemons at me lately.  But, in the spirit of that, I decided to do a little lemon still life.  I won't get corny and say something about lemonade, LOL.  My modus operandi used to be throw some tequila back with those lemons, but not so anymore.  Now, I will just paint the lemons, and make them what I want them to be...beautiful even if they were painful, and mysterious, because God made them.

It's been a month since Isaac died.  It's hard to believe, it feels so long, and still not real.  More real than it did, but still not completely true.  How can it be?  Young men don't just die in mid-conversation...yet, that's what happened.

I know his first month in Heaven was wonderful, just not so for us here on Earth.  But, in love, we only hope for what's good for those we love, and that's how we feel for Isaac.  Only hoping for his pure and eternal happiness and peace.  We'll fumble along here and eventually find our footing, until we all meet again.

Endurance

"Flowers and shade" by HIlary J. England
oil on canvas, 8" x 10", 2013

I am looking forward to graduation this weekend, it was a long, hard road, but I finally finished what I had worked and worked for, and for that, I am very proud.

I am in the middle of some sort of "back attack" that began last week, and has not relented.  After my accident in 2004, I damaged my spine along with my leg and the rest of my body, and I would get these infrequent attacks of nerve pain that would sometimes last a month or more.  Usually it would be in my lower back, but this time, it started in my neck, and the pain is excruciating.  It is now also in my lower back, and is making life very difficult right now.

So, I must do paintings that do not require me to go climbing or any other acrobatics for the meantime.  This little painting was done right in my neighborhood, around the corner from my house, where there is a tract of woods right along the walking path that is along the river.  It is very beautiful, and very accessible~

Weepy weather

"Farm field at dusk" by Hilary J. England
oil on canvas, 8" x 10" 2013  

I have been feeling wistful today--maybe it's the rain.  I sat outside on the porch, listening to Ravel and Chopin, and my mind just kept going to nostalgic places, when there was more of us, in every respect.  When we hadn't lost so many people.  I could only sit watching the rain softly fall, smile at the memories, and pray that we can continue to rally. God is still with us, even though these seem sad and sometimes aimless times.

I began to clean up my big palette.  I feel a sense of urgency to begin a new series, but I get so pent up, it's like getting prepared to get shot out of a cannon (not that I've ever been haha).  I am intensely anxious, but this is normal.  My mind is gearing up for a brainstorm, and then I will layout the vision of my new series.  It's just hard because my brain starts going in all different directions, and I get very agitated when this begins.  So, I am pacing and pacing today.

Here is a little farm field I did yesterday, inspired by the local farm country, and the visit out toward my Dad's.  I was out at Mark's mother's farm, and the corn is beginning to grow.  Twilight and everything looked quaint and timeless, so very timeless, and so, a quick little sketch. Enjoy!

Sunny

"Sunny field of wildflowers" by Hilary J England
8" x 10" oil on canvas

What an absolutely beautiful day!  The weather is about the finest weather a person can ask for, with beautiful bright sunshine, warm but not hot, and soft late Spring breezes gently caressing everything and charging the atmosphere with life and excitement.  I just could not resist such magnificent weather!

So, with that, I painted a little painted that reflected the day, with vivid color that engulfs every sense and brings joy to your heart--I can't help but feel happy on a day such as this!

Enjoy~

Heat and reprieve

"Purple wildflower field at dusk" by Hilary J England
8" x 11" x 1" oil on canvas 2013

So, the dog days jumped right on us, haha.  But, we are holed up, with air conditioning now to sustain us, even in my studio, thanks to two strapping young people, Candy and Anthony.  They were able to get my air conditioning unit mounted, even in the face of the Fire Department pounding our door down, due to an ADT monitor error triggered (according to the Fire Department) by the heat, and Mark giving them a wrong contact number.  Never a dull moment, smh.

Now we hide out from heat and pollen!  The entire house is sniffling and sneezing and crabbing, but this is usual for June.  Usually, just when we reach our wit's end by the end of June, the allergies just go away like magic.  Happens every year.  My finger is starting to heal nicely, although the entire tip is numb, but that's to be expected. I can feel the cut way deep down when I manipulate the area, and that feels like it is knitting together nicely as well. I think I can leave it unbandaged from this point forward.

Graduation is in 12 days.  I don't know how I feel about that, except slightly dreading it, because I know I'm supposed to be so hyped to participate, but it just means a day of irritation to me, with rushing around no matter how early we get up, traffic, seating snafus, bickering relatives making the day all about them, etc. I've been around long enough to know the entire drill dealing with this pack.  All ceremonies are aggravating, and this one will be no different.  I'm doing it mostly for my kids, so that they can see and know that they can accomplish anything they set their minds to doing, through any adversity, at any age.  I think it's very important for them to know that, so for that, I put aside my own apathy, and put on my game face as the leader of my little wolf pack ;-)  It's my duty, and I never shirk my duty.

I was able to find a nice little field to paint at dusk, while Chorkie went mad looking for things to chase and urinate on.  It was a fast little painting, and fast is the key word here, because I gave up after being attacked by a swarm of gnats that kept enshrouding my head, and landing on my sweaty face and scalp.  Eewww...

So, that's that for today.  'Til tomorrow, God willing, have a wonderful day!

Replays

"Calm seas before a shower" by Hilary J England
oil on canvas, 8" x 11" x 1, 2013

My mind keep returning to the beach...it's where I feel closest to God for whatever reason, but when my mind is under serious, ongoing stress, it seems to return there, to the peaceful cool of the salty air, the smooth resistance of the sand, the majesty of the enormous vistas, and the sound of the waves, either lapping or pounding the water's edge.  Today, the waves were gentle, the breezes, soft.

Mark is still in the hospital.  It doesn't appear that the chemo has had any effect on the tumors, which is disheartening.  They are trying to get him strong enough to come home, and then in another week, we will have to make a decision:  go forward with more treatment, or not.  This is an excruciating decision, and one that can never have a "right time."  The implications are obvious, and it seems surreal that from St. Patrick's Day to now, this situation has surfaced, mushroomed, and has sucked our entire lives into its vortex.  I don't know what to do or say to be of support or help, since it is Mark's life, it is ultimately his decision.  I support either decision, and will help him through it either way.

So, like water dripping from a faucet, I feel the tension in the air, the catch of breath before exhalation.  I am optimistic to get through these trials, as it is the only thought that moves me forward.  This too shall pass...happy days will come again, one day, soon. I feel that is certain, I hope on that, I count on that, I dream on that, I live on that.

Reflections

"Trees and little flowers" by Hilary J. England
oil on canvas, 8" x 11" 2013

This time last year, I was gearing up to go to Nice, and what a time that was!  This year, I spend so many days in the hospital, I am beginning to despair.  I am getting really down.  Everything is piling up, and I am the only one left to dig it out.  A pointer for well-meaning family and friends of a cancer patient:  we appreciate prayers, of course.  But some physical action is helpful too.  Perhaps take a day off and help us out with work that needs to be done around our home, or even offer to help with a small donation of some kind to help with his medical and living expenses while we are going through this extremely difficult time.  These actions, in conjunction with prayer, will be ever so helpful.  God says we are to also be his "feet" on this earth, and being feet requires action.

The heat is going to be oppressive this week, of course, and I don't have my air conditioning set up in my studio.  We need an able-bodied man to install it.  Anthony is good for muscle and lifting, but because the window is very oddly shaped, we need a guy who is handy with a saw to help us mount this thing in.  We don't need any more saw accidents, for sure.  So, until someone comes forward to help us, I will not be able to get in there and work...that is a very disheartening, since this is really the only thing that keeps me going right now.

I am trying to keep my chin up, and I will, no matter what.  Even though things look bleak, I know God has a plan, eventually it will be obvious, even if it isn't right now.

Acceptance

"Boundaries" by Hilary J. England
oil on canvas, 8" x 11" x 1", 2013

Mark is in the hospital with a fever of unknown origin, or neutropenic fever.  He is in isolation, but he seems to not know it too much yesterday, as the fever had knocked him out, and the dehydration from the vomiting as well.

He slept most of Memorial Day away at home before he got admitted, as I clumsily tried to do all of the yardwork, including heavy work, which resulted in my cutting off the tip of my left middle finger with an electric hedgecutter.  Not fun.  I had to go for a tetanus shot yesterday because of it, but the doctor said my field dressing was very good, so despite the fact the wound could have used some stitching, I had done a good enough job cleaning and binding it that he would skip that.  So, not so bad after all.

The bank is trying to perpetrate some predatory lending practices on us as well.  Our original mortgage company sold our loan to Wells Fargo, and now Wells Fargo is saying that our flood insurance is insufficient, and wants to charge us another $200 per month on our mortgage, stating they don't care what the FEMA guidelines are, they make their own guidelines.  I argued that they bought the loan with terms in place, and they cannot force new terms on us, and FEMA stated that our flood insurance is more than sufficient.  Now, we go into the litigation process about this, which I am going to insist that Wells Fargo pay for as well.  My point is this:  if they want additional insurance, they can pay for it.  Our mortgage is completely covered by our insurance--what does Wells Fargo care if we rebuild or not, as long as they get their money?  If they want rebuild insurance on the home for a flood, they can pay for it.  Right now, the insurance covers the outstanding amount of the loan plus clean up should a tsunami strike Pennsylvania, so I am not even going down this road with these people.  They bought the loan, but there are terms in the contract, and they can't just "rewrite" a contract without our consent.

So, I am trying to learn to accept the things I can change, what I cannot, and just be as happy as I can be.  The stress has been overwhelming, and the only thing that is bringing me any moments of peace is doing little paintings as I can.  This painting actually took a little over an hour, on the way back from the hospital.  I was able to sit and breath, late afternoon, it had stopped raining and the sun just peaked out over the mountains, no farmers threatening to shoot me for sitting on the edge of their land, LOL.  Enjoy!

Getting there

"Orchids" by Hilary J England
12" x 16" oil on canvas panel
2013

It's two weeks today since Isaac died, and it is Memorial Day.  I know we are supposed remember our dead veterans today, and honor them, which I do, but I also remember Isaac, and other people in my family just through sheer association of the name of the day.

It's hard to fathom what happened, but I'm slowly getting there.  Things seem to get better each day, slowly, and for that I am grateful.

I did this painting yesterday, one that is not usually in character for me, since I generally loathe still life painting, it's just so static and boring to me.  But, with all of the beautiful flowers around in the Spring, and the fact that I wrestled with the idea of flowers in association to funerals, death, and dying, I thought it was actually something that fit where I am right now, while being therapeutic as well.

So, there is my little, out-of-character painting of some orchids or whatever these flowers are that have been stinking up my house if I leave the windows open.  I picked a few, and studied them.  They are not the enemy, haha.  So now, I see they are nothing to have nightmares over.

Enjoy!!!

Finding my footing

"Yellow flowers"

I haven't wrote much, or done much, for the last month or so, it's just been too chaotic and painful.  The move was a stressful enough, but throw in Mark's chemo and delicate health, and Isaac's sudden death on Mother's Day, and that was enough to knock me out of commission.  I'm slowly finding my way back to my routine.

I finally got the house completely unpacked and set up, and my studio as well.  All I need is a new air conditioner so I don't bake like a pizza in an oven, like in my last studio.  As much as I loved the space, the heat was so oppressive in the summer, and there was nothing it seemed that alleviated it, so I could only work very early or very late.  At least this time around, I can be like a rat in my nest--at all hours.

I had written a lot in the immediate after Isaac died, but it is too painful to post up.  I put it in my personal journal, and there it must stay.  His death obviously deeply affected us all, and still does.  It is senseless and tragic, but there is the comfort he died in the presence of all of those he loved, and literally in his mother's arms as she tried to save him.  It took days to get the images of his death scene from my mind, and then when the windows were open at night, the scent of lilac that would waft through on the soft Spring breeze would choke and sicken me with its cloying sweetness--it was the scent of death, like that of a funeral parlor.  So, I chose to sweat rather than breath it in.

My mind wandered to hell and back, grasping at anything to make sense of what has happened and why, but in the end, as all of us humans realize, we will never know on this side of Heaven.  So, I stopped asking and just look at his picture and smile now, reminiscing of funny times, and how happy he made Gabby through their turbulent but passionate relationship all these 8 years.  The tears still flow though, even when the smiles are there.

So, here is the first little painting I have done.  It started out local, but my mind drifted far away, to places I had been, so I can't say its really a "plein air," since it ended up a mystical place, an amalgamation of places I have been, somewhere beautiful and peaceful, where my mind needed to be through all of this turmoil.  The flowers were there, the water was there, but my own senses heightened them to somewhere or someplace rather ethereal.  I figure it was a form of therapy, to let my mind run free, and be a bit undisciplined.  Hey, what the hell--it's my art, and I'll do what I want with it.

On that wry note, I do hope you enjoy it.  More to come now that the brushes have been dipped again! 

Tick-tock

The days tick down like water slowly dipping from a faucet--maddening, predictable, yet with a tight intensity lurking beneath the surface; it's as if each drip is tightening a screw, or pushing a boundary, and the danger is a sudden rupture or failure.  I don't just mean within Mark, I mean as a metaphor for the situation itself.  It is quietly tense, the waiting is just as suspenseful as waiting on a verdict, and then, yesterday, it came.

Pancreatic.

I was out on the canals, taking a long walk to clear my angry head.  I woke up in a foul mood, one of those days where you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  I was angry over the whole situation.  I had nightmares that night, and woke up and cried, and then just lay in my bed feeling waves of anger and sorrow washing over me, as strong as any physical tide.  So, I decided the best plan of action was not to just remain in bed stewing (which I had considered), but to get up and out, and let the wind and the sun clear away the damage.

As soon as I started down the path, earbuds in, Joyce Meyer going, my phone started blowing up.  That irritated me even further initially, until I saw it was Dr. H.  My breath caught, and for a second, I contemplated letting it go to voice mail.  I wasn't sure I could handle the call alone, but that instant of cowardice immediately passed, and I picked up the call.  Dr. H. was as jovial and to the point as usual, "Pancreatic, I'm afraid, as we had suspected, but hoped against.  But, don't lose hope, his case is extremely unusual, so perhaps he has a fighting chance!"  Then, he began to list all of the week's goings ons, including port surgery, chemo consultations, and chemo itself.  I just slowed my pace down until I came to a bench, and after we hung up, sat there staring at the ducks in the canal.

After a while of just feeling the wind and the sun, I roused myself, and called Mark.  From the conversation, I could tell the doctor had not called him.  He had left me to the task.  I decided not to tell him that news over the phone, it was not a kind or caring way to do that.  When Mark asked if I had heard news from the doctor, I said he had just given me some information about changing the appointments around, but hopefully we would hear something by the end of the day.  I know it was a white lie, but it could not be helped.

I pulled myself slowly together, went home and washed up, left a steak for Anthony, and headed out to meet him.  I told him the diagnosis at the end of his work day, when we were alone, and he was finished and closing up his office.  He took it stoically and resignedly.  We both knew this was a possibility, we had just prayed it wasn't, but we knew it could be, so it wasn't a complete shock.  We hugged, left quietly, and went back to his mother's farmhouse where he could rest and I could make him a light supper.

We talked about his wishes, final arrangements, and other things that made me so sad and queasy inside, but he initiated it, and I had to respect him, and give him a measure of control over the possibilities, so he can feel at peace with everything that is going on.  He told me all he wanted done should he lose his battle, and I promised him it would be so.  He said wanted his post-funeral luncheon at the restaurant we had our wedding reception in, so he could feel as if he is there with us.  I cried about that all night, the thought of it, the bittersweet mix of grief and memories of past happiness that would be there, even if he wasn't.

But, I resolved myself to help him battle this out to the end.  Cancer is not going to claim another person in my life without getting a good ass-whooping itself.  It's a dark, vampire entity, and we are busting out the garlic (literally!) and every weapon in the arsenal.  Cancer, watch out.

Quiet

It's nice and quiet this morning, with the occasional car passing by, and the sound of the rain hitting the window.  I slept very late this morning, almost until 10 a.m., but I don't care.  I needed it, for sure.

Mark also got some rest, and was off to work as usual today.  He says he feels better, and for that, I am happy.  He will be doctor free (hopefully) until Tuesday, when he goes in for his port.  I know how important it is for him to have his life back, and to be able to do the things he usually does, so being able to work, visiting friends and new places, go out for dinner, etc. are all things we are looking forward to getting back to doing.  It's been a really tough month.

In the quiet, I find myself disconcerted.  Now that I have time to think and breath, I feel anxious.  I look at my paint brushes, and find they just stare back at me absently.  They don't beckon me, and I don't feel compelled to pick them up.  It is a strange feeling.  I just stare out the window at the rain, as if a giant blister has enveloped my mind, both drowning and insulating it at the same time.  I don't feel anything, just anxious, and it's a vague, queasy anxiousness, an anticipatory anxiousness, as if I was waiting for something, and I don't know what.

I was so exhausted last night, and I had tons of stuff to do.  I had to enlist Gabby's help, poor girl, because I had to be both in Tamaqua to pick up Noelle and in Brodheadsville to pick up Anthony at the same time, and did not know how to navigate that.  She was gracious and offered to drive Anthony home, since she was only a few miles away.  I got Noelle, and by the time we all got back to the house, dropped them off, and left to get my truck (I had left it at the hospital yesterday and drove Mark home in his car), it was close to midnight.  Everyone was hungry for a "midnight snack," so we went through the drive thru for some forbidden food, got my truck, and I bid Gabby "goodnight" and thank you.

As I pulled into the driveway at home, we have a very large streetlight that fully lights up our driveway.  I got out of the car with my arms filled with a bag of junk food, sodas, purse, keys, cellphones, miscellaneous papers, etc., and as I closed the door to the car, the reflection in the window showed a figure running up behind me!  It startled me so bad I dropped most of everything (including spilling Dr. Pepper down the front of my shirt), and whirled around, expecting to see someone literally face to face with me.  I stood there a minute, looked around the car, composed myself, picked everything up, and spooked, walked toward the house.  I saw movement by the bushes then, and that was enough.  I burst into a full sprint to the house, got inside, and locked everything up, and delivered the disheveled food.  I guess it was my mind playing tricks on me.  I guess...either way, sleep was a welcome friend last night!

So, for today, I don't know.  I don't know.  I guess I am on autopilot, and things will figure themselves out as the day wears on.

Cancer sucks.

So, weeks have stretched on, days and days of test after horrible test, and we know that whatever cancer it is, the metastases need to be dealt with quickly, since that is the immediate threat to Mark. Biopsies, scopes, scans, blood workups, etc. and nothing shows why he keeps needing blood transfusions. I asked if it could be bone marrow failure, and that may be a possibility, but no one will know until the bloodwork is back, so we wait and wait.

 Cancer is a never-ending waiting game. If you don't learn to deal with it, you will go insane for sure. Mark's up-and-down scopes were done today, and he could barely get himself up to bed. He was so drained from the the disgusting gallon of liquid he had to drink for the last 24 hours, plus no food, plus his counts being so low, he was staggering like a drunken sailor by the time we pulled into the driveway, and I was fearful he wouldn't be able to make it up the steps into bed. Thankfully, he did, and is sleeping comfortably now. Day by day is how we go.

 I feel so drained, and frustrated. I feel helpless to answer his questions, and I am hardpressed to interpret what the doctor's tell me, and state the message both truthfully, compassionately, and in a way that will inspire him to continue to hope and fight. I am exhausted now too, and we are only a month into this nightmare. Prayers and praying help, and I have to just take it very very slow and not deal with the little things, just focus on the bigger issues in our day to day.

 Yesterday, the high school called while I was in conference call with the doctor. They kept beeping and beeping persistently through, to the point where I thought it was some sort of an emergency, and put the doctor on hold for a moment. It was so a teacher could complain that my 17 year old young adult "sassed" her. Guess what? Deal with it yourself, Miss Teacher. 17 year-olds know the rules, and know that Mommy really can't do anything to punish them, especially in the midst of a crisis, so either my 17 year old follows the rules, or Miss Teacher does what she needs to do to discipline her. I told her that specifically, that my child is now a young adult, and "telling" on her to me was no longer the right course of action. To be frank, my 17 year-old needs to make up her own mind whether or not she wants to continue with her education and follow the rules, or not. That's the bottom line. Mommy can't repair everything any more, and Mommy needs to focus on her incredibly ill husband--that's where Mommy's responsibilities are.

 Now, some people may find that offensive, but I don't care. I am old school, and I believe that if you are 17, can do whatever you feel like doing without your parents being able to do a thing about it, as is much of the case nowadays, then young adults can start taking responsibility for their actions as well. Bottom line. Do the right thing, or pay the consequences in your life--all people need to learn that, and when you are 17, it's a good time to begin. So, giving up the director's chair in everyone else's life has been a good start, and one of self-preservation. I have to help Mark get through this, and keep my own sanity as well.

Sucker punched

The news takes your breath away: cancer.  It's as if someone rings your doorbell, and when you answer it, you get sucker punched in the face.  There is no way to respond to it with any degree of logic or rationale...it just sucks away all of the air in your lungs, all of the reason in your mind.

That was the news we are facing. Cancer.  How?  Why?  All of the usual thoughts start swirling around...and then the fear grips you like a boa constrictor, getting tighter with each breath.  I have to just shake away the negative, and move with the positive and constructive.

So, Mark is ill.  I still can't comprehend it.  The enormity of it is so large, it's like squeezing an elephant into your Volkswagen Beetle.

Now, he just needs help, kindness, understanding, and support.  We must get him situated, we must get him into his treatment immediately, and we must make sure we can all work together to make sure his days are happy ones, ones that will bring him peace and comfort, no matter what God decides for him.

So, we begin the odyssey. Biopsies, surgeries, chemotherapy... I pray for strength, wisdom, courage, and faith.  For all of us.

Maelstrom

"Quiet tree in the flower meadow" by Hilary J. England, 2013
12" x 12" oil on hardwood panel

Life is still a maelstrom, but I am fighting my way through the tornadic winds.  Some very disconcerting and ominous events have taken place lately, and until we better have a full grasp on the implications, I rather defer to say any particulars, except that this will be a truly humbling lesson in Christian love for me, and perhaps one that was overdue.

I have to look at this situation from that point of view, because there is no other point of view that makes sense, or hits the bottom of my gut with the resounding thud of truth, that leaves that feeling of knowledge so plain, it's like seeing the nose on your own face.  The feeling of, "How did I not see this coming?" or "I was blind and much worse."  I can only pray now for the strength and grace to continue to make the right decisions, and overcome anything bad in this situation with love.  Love conquers all things, and now, I have a chance to see this in action.

So, here is a painting I painted while ruminating and meditating on all of these ponderings.  I needed something to reflect how I was feeling, which was sad, but hopeful, nostalgic, but grateful.  I don't feel afraid anymore.  I know there is a reason and a plan, and if the Lord took me to it, there is a vital and essential reason I must experience these things, and He will get me through it.  It may be very painful, but we all know that growth and change are painful at best, so I will just trust and not fight against these things.

Porcupines

"Lonely tree on the farm" by Hilary J. England
oil on canvas panel, 8" x 11", 2013

 

I'm a little slow on the uptake today, maybe more coffee will help.  I think it's all the green smoothies I drank yesterday, my body must be in health shock, haha!  Anthony has started on an all juice fast for the next 10 days, and I hear the juice machine whizzing and whizzing as he makes up jar after jar of concoctions, all to be optimally consumed within 12 to 24 hours (or they lose their "value") so whatever is left over in the jar gets poured in my glass.  I'm on veggie overload! You'd think that those veggies are crack, the energy it gives him!  Me, well, they just fill me up, so I guess that's good too.

I was supposed to have a moving sale today, but that's not going to be possible, so I'm lucky I didn't advertise (just rely on foot traffic), or people would be irritated.  I have a large project due on Monday, and need to work on it, plus, I'm not conducting this alone.  Let the other "half" help dissolve our marital life together.  I'm sick of shouldering the load for other people's mistakes.  Anywaaaaaaaaayy....

The weather is slowly coming around, which always bolsters my spirits! The smell of the damp earthy air in the morning is so satisfying, you can smell the new life of flowers bursting through the ground, and it electrifies me.  Spring is always such a welcome time of year, and even in the midst of personal troubles, I can't deny it's power.

I'm hoping to complete this move within the next two weeks, and we still need to get our dresses altered for Jill's wedding, as well as get Anthony's suit, shoes, Noelle's shoes, etc., plus start planning our trip in (parking, etc.), all while wrapping up my last week in this course, and starting another.  I CAN'T WAIT to graduate in June and be done with all of this.  I'm exhausted at this point, but I know the end is in sight...at least for this leg of the journey.

So, enjoy the little painting above, and more to come!

Wind and sun

What a day! The sun is beautiful, but the wind, holy moly!  Almost knocked my car off the road, and that's quite the task, since the Blazer is a little hulk, and not a lightweight.

Moving along toward the MOVE.  I'm trying not to think about all of the little odds and ends that need to be tied up, and just going along, one day at a time, getting what needs to be done out of the way.  At least we remain within the same school district, which is a blessing.

Well, working on another painting, will have it up for tomorrow.

Have a nice evening, and stay anchored!

Spring is springing

"Foggy garden with visitor"
by Hilary J. England
8" x 11" oil on canvas panel

I went out and smelled the fresh, clean air after the torrential rains of this morning, and can say most certainly that Spring is in the air.  I'm excited, and have lots of plans for the next several months, including the possibility of a residency in Sumatra.  That might be pretty cool.

So, I will post up more stuff as I go along, and as I close this chapter of my life up, and emerge as a free woman again!  

Moving is a B*tch!

Moving is a b*tch!  Everything about it sucks!  But, once it's over, a new chapter begins, and new adventures as well.

I have been working on a few little paintings, and pondering a new series, but I will not formally tackle that until we are settled in our new place.  That will take some concentration, and I cannot do that until this chaos is all cleared up.  My divorce should be finalized in three months, my graduation is in two months (and no, I will probably not return for another degree until at least January!), and my lovely sister's wedding is in three weeks, so there are many many things to keep me busy in the next few months, so a new series will have to wait until June to embark on it.

I will however, post up any plein air work I do, so that will keep my mind moving along nicely as well!

So, good night, and I'm looking forward to posting some new work in the next few days.

Amazing freedom!

It's been a while.  I guess I was overwhelmed--cancer threat, flu, various other hideous personal issues...end result:  moving through divorce.

Another divorce.  I loathed the idea, until:  _________.  I hope he and his new woman are happy.  I'll send them a housewarming gift.

So, Jesu!  My life is....my life.  I don't sweat these things any more, because of the pace of things--I remain focused on the prize: My relationship with God, my purpose on this Earth, and of course, the beautiful people I am privileged to know, mostly in the form of family, from all generations.

Do I feel badly? Of course.  How would you feel?  Betrayed.  Plus other feelings.  But, I move on.  Obviously, he didn't love me any more than I loved him....God works in strange ways for us both.  We are both set free from this mess.

I don't hate, any more than I can hope he has no hard feelings toward me.  This year has been incredibly hard: a cancer scare, flu that nearly killed me, other problems, and just when I thought I was through the rain...this.  Oh, but this was probably the worst.  A complete backstab.

I can't dwell on it.  Just move on.  I feel it tomorrow, or another day, just not today.  Today, I have to deal with all of the troubles that today brings, and a backstabbing, wayward, lying husband is not worth it.  Let him deal with his own shortcomings, along with the woman he is with, and who contacted me, to start the ball rolling.  I thank God for the blessing of knowing, and being finally FREE.

So, divorce is not always a bad thing.

Lovely things and future hopes

"Study of twilight over water"

I am finally starting to feel better, after a month of misery.  Still not 100%, but much better.  This has been an absolute misery, this last month, but I am grateful to be feeling better, and just want to forget all about it now.

It was more than the flu, though.  I had a pretty bad health scare at the beginning of the month, one that's not entirely over or resolved yet, but I am hoping for the best, so that also contributed to all of this misery as well.  I am confident that everything will work itself out, and that allowed me to have peace after the initial shock of what was possibly going on.  No one ever thinks anything bad can actually happen to them, I admit this to be true, so when the impossible starts creeping into the realm of possible, it's a gnawing and inescapable lonely fear.  I did work through all of this in the last month, and I feel somewhat confident to face whatever possibility is being pitched at me at this point.  I have only positive thoughts for the future, and I won't waiver in that, no matter what. God is on my side!

So, with this mindset, I will march into the next few months, and I anticipate the beautiful Spring, and all of the joys that it brings.  I have some very happy things to look forward to, including my lovely sister's wedding and all of the nuptial festivities, my graduation in June, a move to new digs, so there is lots to be happy about.  No matter what goes on in the realm of my health issue, I will still face it with confidence that God is with me, and will never give me more than I can bear. I keep the positive always ahead of me, and focus on those things that are lovely and joyful, and continue to go forward.

Ugh!!!

Ugh.  Flu.  Flu flu flu.  I have been sick as a dog for nearly a week now, and boy does it STINK.  I have struggled through this for the last week, and now I going to give in go to the Doctor.

So, after yesterday's snow/ice storm, and being stuck in my bed for the last week, I'm ready to climb the walls!!!

I can't wait to get better and get back to working on some new works.  I have some good ideas for some new pieces, and even a new series.  It would be a blend of oil paintings, digital work, and maybe some sculpture as well.

That's that for now!

Christmas Season

"Study of footbridge in the snow" by Hilary J. England
oil on canvas, 8" x 11" x 2", 2012

Well, the Christmas season is upon us again, it seems the years go by faster and faster!  I always loved Christmas, and the other holidays such as Hanukkah, since they are so festive and bring such happy remembrances with them, it's always a nostalgic time of year.

I have been very busy this year, making home-made gifts like strawberry jam and different types of fudge, so I had to make time to get into my groove with keeping moving forward with work.  I have pondering new directions for the new year, and that always makes me antsy...like I'm ready to shed my skin or something.  I'm trying not to think to hard about it though.  It will come to me when I'm ready, eventually.

So, in the meantime, I continue working on little local plein air works.  That always seems to keep my mind somewhat serene, and open to new conceptual works I'm pondering.

Post Thanksgiving

"Study of icy farm fields in Pennsylvania" by Hilary J. England
8" x 11" oil on canvas

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and now we move into Christmas.  I enjoyed the holiday with my family, even if the 20 or so people was a bit overwhelming, it was a jolly time, and worth the three day post holiday clean-up!

Now, the quiet days before Christmas, if we can fathom that.  I don't proscribe to all of the crazy holiday shopping, etc.  I prefer to do things a little more slowly, and to give gifts from the heart, like home-made gifts, etc.  Plus, one really nice-store bought gift!

So, in the quiet late-Autumn, early Winter landscape...the frigid, frosty days and nights have been giving some very serene and lovely little vignettes for me to absorb, like the one above.  

Parallax opening

Parallax AF 2012
Prince George Hotel Ballroom, NYC

The show began last night, with a very heavy turnout, much more than I expected, due to all of the problems the city is still suffering after Hurricane Sandy.  The place was packed and bustling, which is always a positive note.  Many were more subdued than in the past, but given the nature of events in the last few weeks, that is to be expected.

Getting in to the city was not bad, and cross town traffic was about normal so that leg of the journey was unexpectedly smooth.  Mounting the show in an hour?  An absolute record!  We were like a Nascar pit team, with only one incident of someone getting yelled at, and that would be when Mark nearly drilled a screw through my finger, LOL.  And yes, I yelled at him.  And yes, he understood why he got yelled at, haha.

So, we were able to clean up, get back to the LES, grab an amazingly nice quick dinner of eggplant rollatini, stuffed mushrooms, chicken marsala with sauteed veggies, cappuccino, and even a piece of chocolate tiramisu at Goodfellas Pizzeria, buy a cashmere coat in a boutique, organic shampoo soap, shampoo and conditioner, shower up, primp and perfume, and out the door back to the venue for the preview party.  Talk about doing things on the fly!!

We stayed the necessary length of time, and met some very new and interesting people, including another artist from Colombia, just passing through by way of Boston.  The wine flowed and the ballroom moved and heaved with so many people, it was as if there was an actual ball going on.  It was quite amazing to see that many people come in for good art and free wine.  I guess that combo does the trick!  After leaving the preview party, we headed back to Orchard Street, where there was another gallery opening, and just took a peek in there.  Good things, and they were also enjoying a boisterous night, with lots of walk in traffic from the street.

I headed up early though.  A fifth floor walk up, sky high heels, and a long day all were factors in my just wanting to tuck in and relax.  I could hear the party in the street, and that is OK...I remember hearing that same sort of laughter in Paris, a timeless gaiety.  It was more of a comfort than an annoyance, that sound of happy oblivion.  Made me smile and think of happy days, and that is never a bad thing either.

Autumn breeze

"Autumn farm field" by Hilary J. England, 2012
oil on canvas, 8" x 11" x 2"

The weather has been absolutely pristine, with cool, temperate breezes that bring that clean, brisk scent of Fall...the scent that brings to mind mysterious things, like harvest moons, pumpkins, spicy apple cider, and perhaps even a witch riding her broom across the moon!  I love autumn, and all of the changes that come with it.

As I was walking through the damp grass yesterday, I could smell the end of the season with all of the tomatoes now hanging limp and brown, falling to the earth in a rotten heap.  The morning glories all flash froze during the first frost, literally.  It was like, one day they were there, albeit covered in a light layer of glittering frost, and by noon, they had all shriveled into nothing, completely withered and brown.  What a sight.  Now, we have to rip them all down, since it is quite unsightly, and the seeds are all over the porch.  That's OK though, because they are worth it for the time they bloom.

This weather has allowed me to do some plein air painting, quite a few little local paintings.  I love that, and look forward to this time of year to be able to stretch my legs and let my mind fly free with the wind, it's as if my brain just goes into relaxation mode, and I just go with the flow of enjoying the process.

As I was walking out to my studio to gather my gear, the Eagle of 895 soared down low over the yard, and I literally met him eye to eye.  What a beautiful beautiful creature.  That made my day.

So, here is one of my local paintings:  "Autumn farm field"  oil on canvas, 8" x 11" x 2".   Enjoy!!!

Day to day

"Denver and Montauk"
Oil on canvas, 16" x 20"

Here is a new commissioned work I just completed.  I think it came out quite well, as it was a very difficult balance to strike, with all of the subtle symbolism to be included in it.  I think it is rather esoteric.  I am quite happy with it actually.  I love quirky things.

Envy

"Envy"
Mixed media, wood, metal, plastic, shells, lead, gunpowder, 2012

A DIVINE IMAGE

BY WILLIAM BLAKE

Cruelty has a Human Heart

And Jealousy a Human Face 

Terror the Human Form Divine 

And Secrecy, the Human Dress 

The Human Dress, is forged Iron 

The Human Form, a fiery Forge. 

The Human Face, a Furnace seal'd 

The Human Heart, its hungry Gorge.

*************************************************************************************************

We aspire to be kind and good people, but for all of us, this is a very hard balance to maintain.  Envy and jealousy were never really character issues I was prone to, at least if listing the Seven Deadlies.   Anger, yes.  Sloth, sometimes.  Gluttony, for sure.  Pride, most certainly.  Greed, on occasion.  Lust, well, absolutely.  But Envy?  This I never thought I was guilty of.  I didn't think I was a "jealous" type, and certainly was never possessive of the people in my life, quite the opposite.  I was a very big proponent of the old adage"If you love me set me free" sentiment, so how did jealousy fit into the scheme of things?  I wasn't covetous of other people, their things, their positions, their lives...so, I thought, I guess I am not guilty of envy?  But, after examining some lingering resentments I still had stored away in the baggage compartment of my own personal "closet," I realized I was also guilty of that sin as well.  Somewhere along the road of life during my journey, there were occasions in my life that I felt I was "shortchanged" during certain periods and under certain circumstances, and I had felt bitterness over that.  Maybe not now, but then I did, so even though I thought, "Aha!  A sin I am not guilty of!" I actually had to own up to this one too.  After all, I am only human as well.

Where does time go?

"Autumn path" by Hilary J. England
12" x 16" oil on canvas, 2012

Wow, a week has slipped by me, and I feel like I was in some kind of a coma or something, since it just scooted on by without my realizing it.  That's kind of scary.  I just don't feel like I got a whole lot done, and that depresses me, after all, time is what life is made of, and I don't like losing a resource I can never get back.

I have not been sleeping very well, and I think that is the problem.  I can think of a few reasons, and they, both non-material and people, are going to get confronted.  Now, there won't be a smack-down or anything, LOL, just one particular person is going to be told to be a bit more quite in the middle of the night, and I am going to confront what physically may be going on that I am having a hard time falling and staying asleep.  That's what I mean.

I was supposed to meet up and paint with some other artists yesterday, but the rain began, and it looked like it would stay that way, so I decided against it.  Then, lo and behold, at around 4 pm, it cleared up and became sunny and warm.  Of course.  So, rather than getting cheated out of a painting day, I went down the street and sat in the woods, looking for something to strike my fancy.  Since I was in a brain fog due to lack of sleep, I just began to zone out and paint away at nothing, literally just the path in front of me, and the interesting way the soft light fell through the trees onto the ground, with all of the leaves that are already down (when did that happen?  I feel like it happened in one day!). So, here is the result, and I hope you enjoy it, and enjoy the change of season in your area as well!

Parallax AF

Study of flowers and twilight sky, by Hilary J. England
12" x 16", oil on canvas, 2012

I am looking forward to the Parallax AF in NYC on November 16-18.  Should be an amazing fair, and I am really excited to meet new and exciting people.  I have been putting together my work for the show, and also working on lots of new stuff, but have been having a lot of distractions with annoying little stuff, but I shoulder through it.  My back has really been bothering me, even with my new mattress, and so I have cut my cross training down and will try some less intense stuff, maybe yoga, instead.  I am just so sick of having a hurting neck and back, that if I could swap out bodies, I would, LOL.

I am thoroughly wired on green tea today, and despite the driving rain, I've gotten a lot of stuff done, which is good.  Maybe I can relax later, after all, it's supposed to be my "day off" today.  Funny, that never seems to happen.  I'm ALWAYS "working," even when I'm sleeping.  How tiresome sometimes.

So, I have to go out and papier mache my new sculpture, finish working on a commissioned artwork, and I was hoping to squeeze a run in later, but this rain seems to be relentless, so I may have to skip that idea.

I hope you enjoy this quick study.  I really have been enjoying mixing colors and doing color studies, and twilight skies really present an interesting way to continue with my color drills.  I do enjoy them...they make me dream of good things to come, and hope for the next day.  Hey, that's all any of us can really hope for anyway.